Today I am thankful for the lesson to stop making wishes in my house.
So -
the burns in a certain area of my body got worse over the past three days.
I wanted to resume cleaning out my closet so I could donate the nice clothes to the center where I work.
I sat on the floor of the closet, tears falling down my face and consumed by the pain.
I feel like I've had a running anxiety attack since I received the burns. My face and extremities will go numb. I can't hear anything. My heart races.
The only thing that helps is sleep.
At this point, I decided to ask my boss for another day off and schedule an appointment with my doctor.
My doctor is Nigerian. He has one of those beautiful, hearty laughs and soothing voices.
The hardest part about visiting his office is hearing other patients yell at him because he won't participate in doctor shopping and refill prescriptions for opiods.
I heard that again today.
The voice on the other side of the wall screamed "I've taken 108 Ibuprofen today!! All those drugs will kill my liver!!!"
"Kidneys" I say under my breath. The CNA looked at me in shock. Ibuprofen harms the kidneys.
My doctor's voice never raised. He gave the man some time before he tried to reason with him again.
This is why I want my addiction counseling license.
Too many people are taking too many drugs and not understanding the risks involved.
It's even happened to me (not with anything addictive, though). Thankfully, I'm allergic to most opioids. That allergy was a gift from the creator.
I think he's giving me another gift.
*****
Embarrassed....
I explain my nail glue accident. I bought the glue off of Amazon. Although it was marketed as nail glue, that is not what it is. It's a watery epoxy resin known for causing severe chemical burns.
I show him my hand. I jerry-rigged a bunion guard to guard my thumb so that air hits it and the antibacterial ointment doesn't rub off. I've lost a few layers of skin but it is looking a lot better. The palm of my hand is almost healed.
He wants to see the other burns.
I decline because of the location. I ask him what is the worse that can happen.
Infection.....
pain.....
his nurse goads me into undressing.
So I find myself suffering through the world's most embarrassing doctor's visit.
Seriously -
After nearly a decade, I have never seen this doctor cringe.
He cringed.
Apparently, my pants have scraped most of the skin off of my private parts and a big chunk of skin near my thigh and behind.
He wants me to start wearing dresses and thigh high stockings to work because there is really nothing they can do for the place I burned.
Thank goodness those bottles of supposed nail glue are small!!!
So -
now I have to face my fear of wearing dresses.
It's a darn good thing I ordered several of them a few weeks back from designers overseas!!
I also got a new prescription for an anxiety medication to quell the panic attacks.
*****
Back in 2012 or 2013,
a man who shall go unnamed
pleasured himself and some of his ejaculate got on my leg.
I was in my favorite dress from Hawaii.
It felt disgusting.
I felt traumatized.
Believe it or not, I had a welt grow in that exact spot.
I've rarely worn dresses since that day.
I love, love, love dresses.....
I love, love, love thigh high boots and tights.
There are so many dresses my closet that I could wear one per day and not have to do laundry for six months.
This was why I was trying to clean out my closet. Someone else would get clothes I was too afraid to wear.
Before that -
in the spring of 1987,
my sister engaged in a game of strip poker with a bunch of guys from high school in my apartment.
My landlord had let them in my apartment without my consent.
I walked in.
She was fourteen.
I took her spot.
It led to a sexual assault.
The rapist went to high school with me.
He got the worst of it.
I told his wife!
It ruined his life.
After that day, I rarely wore dresses until I found myself in the public eye. I wore them a lot in 2011 but stopped when the gross dude thought his behavior was cute.
It's sad to note that both assaults happened in my home. This is probably why I don't have company over too much any more.
Back then, I closed my closet and never looked at the clothes. Most of them are designer clothes that don't go out of style.
So -
I have to wonder if this is how the universe has decided to get me over my fear of wearing dresses?
There has to be a less painful way!!!
Oh, there is a lesson from all this crap - don't buy nail glue from AliExpress (or even Amazon) unless you are familiar with the brand.
I shouldn't have wished to overcome my fear of dresses - maybe some of those creepy artifacts I own with alleged djinn on them are real....
maybe???
Djinn twist wishes. I mean this seems like the absolute worst way to force myself to wear skirts.
It can't be.
No....truth be told,
I'm just a klutz.
Love ya,
S.