Today I am thankful I'm breathing....
at least barely.
It has been a crazy 36 hours....
Yesterday afternoon, I received a letter that may or may not mess up my career. In order to get my counseling license, I have to get a letter stating what I need to do to have the same education as someone who recently graduated from a CACREP accredited school.
My degree is soooo old, I earned it before the university was CACREP approved.
All I should need is a practicum.
The person at the credentialing organization did not review my level of education for licensure (even thought that's what I asked in the letter). They reviewed it for a minor certificate.
Right now, I don't know if I need more than a practicum to get licensed....
maybe I'll need a doctorate?
Or if I should take an expensive test to get the certificate?
That's a little stressful. I'll be a little peeved if I spent the last two years in a low-paying job being abused for no reason.
It's weird working where I work. The patients are cool but I've dealt with insane stuff by some of the staff. I've had people throw papers at me, scream at me, break down in tears due to something the boss said, mock my hair and ridicule me in staff meetings*.
I still can't figure out what my boss means by "energy." I think she's trying to diagnose me with some type of disorder. She's not qualified to do that, by the way. I'm wondering if she thinks I'm bipolar or something. I only say that because one day she insinuated that I was depressed, the next day while in a staff meeting, it was insinuated that I was anxious and overly energetic.
I'm not bipolar. To be fair to my boss, I was sucking down several energy drinks per day because I thought I was acting like Eeyore!
If we can't laugh at life then it is no fun.
Truth be told, overwork can cause anxiety. This organization has been understaffed since Covid hit. Given the stuff I've endured from members of the staff, it's a safe bet that other people are feeling anxiety, too.
As individuals, these people are stellar, amazing and caring souls. I could see overwhelm, overwork and too little funds causing anxiety and the other stuff.
I've realized I need out of that job. When I did some reality checking with other people in the field, I found myself with two job offers pending my license.
Maybe I should tell the employers to start looking for someone else.
If I take that test for the certificate, I have to do it in the next two weeks due to recent changes in the law.
*Next day edit: It was a typo, thank goodness. The license issue is corrected now.
I'm pretty sure that the whole craziness at work is anxiety over funding and being overworked. I think I'll start donating more money to the facility. Maybe it'll help? We'll find out.
****.
My goal for today was to clean out the mess that is my walk-in closet, donate 50% of the clothes and shoes, while listening to psych recordings so I could study for that test.
I didn't get very far.
Sigh -
I built a shelf and cleaned about five feet into the closet when I found a drawer on the floor.
In this drawer was a brown envelope.
In this envelope was a letter that I thought I had burned years ago.
It made me cry.
Damn it -
It was written by a guy I used to know very well,
who I have nightmares about,
who was possibly in a drug induced psychosis when he wrote
a note about me aborting, miscarrying or murdering a child I was never impregnated with.
The whole thing was weird.
In my mind I think of this as a math issue.
In reality, it shouldn't be an issue at all.
Why in the world would a guy think such a thing?
Anyway -
I find myself wondering if this is why I won't date.
Maybe I don't trust people enough anymore.
We all live in our own little worlds. It's hard to find someone whose world melds with yours.
Even if you think that person knows what you're up to and what is going on,
his imagination can take him to a place so strange that is incredibly mindboggling.
The first guy thought I was pregnant when I wasn't.
The second guy thought I was a masochist who wanted to play the role of a cuckhold (I left when he brought me a dude to engage in intimacies with while he watched....eww....this was in the age of AIDS by the way....ick).
The third guy must've thought me a liar with how much he stalked me.
The fourth guy told everyone I worked for the CIA and sent demons after him. Is that what government types supposedly do now? That's taking the whole Satanic Mason conspiracy theory a tad bit too far, wouldn't you say? Wow...
See?
Those relationships were weird.
Maybe I'm weird and thus attract weirdness to me.
*****
There was an epiphany as I sat in that closet with piles of clothes around me,
maybe I'm avoiding men because I fear this guy is going to come back
in a little world of his own and stir up a mess.
My ex-husband was very threatened by this figure from my past (because his cousins went to school with us). When my old friend wanted to talk, I figured it was about the math problem above so I met with him. I think he just needed his confidence bolstered a bit.
My ex went into mad stalker mode.
I don't want this happening again.
*****
Last night I had two nightmares involving this figure from my past.
In one dream, we walked into each other on a street. Demons came out from the shadows, baring their gnarly teeth and raising the heat so much so that we melted together into a black mass of goo.
Icky, huh?
The next dream was worse.
We are sitting together in a house and looking out of a window. The sky darkens, space ships fill the sky, the ground is exploding in the distance. As we watch, the explosions grow closer until there is nothing left but blackness.
In both scenarios we die.
All hell breaks loose if I so much as talk to this person.
It would be nice if my subconscious mind would stop reminding me of him.
Maybe I will bury the letter under the raspberry bush I'll plant shortly after frost season is over.
Raspberry bushes are a symbol of kindness.
Truth be told, I feel like this dream could be of just about any relationship with any guy.
Men come into my life wanting to change it up and - whoosh - my way of life is over.
I guess some of us can be too damaged to love.
Sigh -
May you find that which you need
and easily let go of that which you don't.
Love ya,
S.