Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for the culmination of dreams, insight from other Pagans and a Goddess meditation. First off, I was wrong.  Working 50 hours a week and attending school for 20 hours does not get rid of dreams of an old love. Sigh.... I figure that if I understood what my subconscious mind was trying to say, the dreams would stop. The dreams started in 1987. They waned for a bit but came back with a vengeance on 11-5-2005. For the first decade or so, the dreams were frightening.  In each dream, the subject would be injured.  The heartbreaking thing was that, invariably, the subject would wind up with these injuries in real life. No, I had nothing to do with the injuries. About three years ago, they turned into more personal dreams.  The only thing they do now is make me feel bizarre.  I can't be running around having subconscious imagery of a guy I rarely talk to anymore. It would be very awkward to fun into his family now and...well....you...

This song has been stuck in my mind all day.  I have no clue why.  The answer will probably arrive in my dreams around 3:33 in the morning. Today I am thankful that I realize that the more I try to not be myself, the more of my personality tends to leak out.   Years ago, I started writing down bizarre thoughts that I had.  I used my real name.  One of the thoughts actually made it into another author's book.  Just a line....he sent me a copy.  I treasure that.  When the stalking became frightening, I started to use a childhood nickname.  To prove to myself how ludacris the gossip about me was, I began to write as though I were the person in the stories.  There is an inherent challenge in writing fictional type things.  First, the issue is of the environment.  Environments have to be believable.  For a fictional background to be believable, the environment is the story has to be consistent.  T...

Don't fear the darkness.  The darkness helps us appreciate the light.  Today I am thankful that I still embrace my anger and remember my fear. Don't take advice from Muppets. Sure, fear and anger leads to suffering.  Many people who suffer and work through it want to prevent others from suffering, too. Today I was reminded of something I have to do in this city that is left undone. I haven't solved the issue of the police ignoring stalking victims. Yes.  I've felt fear.  I've been upset, anxious and freaked out so much that I'm probably too cool now.  I'm told I have a calming influence. It's true.  Nothing freaks me out any more.  I don't think anything can compare to the experiences I've had from my ex-husband and his family. This is why I learned to shoot. I will never feel helpless again. Fear isn't necessarily a bad thing. In my mind, fear is the beginning of a journey.  It gives you strength to right a wrong...

Today I am thankful for honest lawyers. So....I met with a lawyer today. I'm going to give him a rave AVVO review because....well....he's honest. He gave me free advice, which is rare and spent about 50 minutes with me.   My ex has been emailing me wanting the tax credit.  I learned today that despite signing an agreement he can take it every other year, he cannot so long as the kids live with me the majority of the time.  He can also never take it if he is in arrears. That is worth the good review.  I would have paid a consultation fee for the answer to that question. The lawyer looked at my divorce decree, the parenting plan and the contempt citations. I'll need a $10,000 retainer.  It may cost upwards of $20,000 to proceed. He said there are reasons why the cost will be so high - I expected to hear the reasons as "the other party doesn't cooperate (which runs up costs)." I didn't hear that. I heard "he can try to claim parenta...

Today I am thankful that I make notes of the little sensations I have during slow moments.  At around 11:11, I felt an old presence next to me.  I felt the sensation of someone tussling my hair and felt a kiss on my forehead. In a moment it was gone. I've had these sensations in the past when people I've loved had passed. As of this writing, I know of no one who is dying. That's not true, I have a half-sister who is dying.  I've never met her. When we were kids, she refused to speak to me.  She reached out a couple of months ago but I've not been able to connect with her given school and work.   She's my age.  It's upsetting for me to realize that my birth stole her father away from her.  He was married to her mother legitimately.  He lied about his name on the marriage certificate with my mom.  As hard as my life was, it's hard to imagine the pain my sister is in. I need to carve out a day to spend time with her. My aunt had ...

Today I am thankful that the ratio of assholes to kind people in my life is around 1 in 50.  I am also thankful for the insight of a former supervisor, a local politician and my current supervisor. I found my dream job.  This job was one I wanted since I was seventeen years old.  I've always wanted to work on a suicide hotline.  It started after I was sexually assaulted and didn't where to turn. I always wanted to be like the voice on the other end of the line. ***** A little over a year ago, I lost my job and went to a political meeting to complain about my neighbors being evicted and made homeless over the parking in front of my home.  I mentioned to the man who would become mayor that I had time to engage in politics because I had no job and thought that a volunteer gig would keep me out of trouble. He suggested that I consider getting a job on a crisis line.  I never thought they paid.  He told me that they did. Of course, I'm a do...