Today I am thankful for the thought processes sparked by feedback.
It's not uncommon for a woman like me to hear things like
'I know you don't like men right now....,'
'Some guy must've hurt you horribly...'
'It must be hard to trust a man like me...., '
or
'not all guys are out to hurt women.'
Typically I hear these things when I won't date someone.
Yesterday, I heard it from someone who was in a happy relationship and was trying to help me with something outside of the realm of dating.
That shocked me on some level.
I talk to a lot of men on a day to day level,
some are mentors,
some are neighbors (just not the gun-toting freaky dude next door),
some are clients,
others are people that I mentor.
Today I met a very attractive man in a wheelchair that nearly got hit by a truck at 5:30 this morning. He has to ride in the street because the city doesn't have ramps for the sidewalk.
I approached him to talk, complimented him on the smooth handling of his wheels -
it was hard not to grin when patted the armrests on his chair and said 'yeah, I made this [chair] my bitch.'
I think I'll take photos of the intersection for the councilman if he's ever on another crusade for votes.
Fate put me on a bus today with the man in the wheelchair. We chatted until I realized where we were. Sadly, it was the wrong bus so I ran around trying to find my way around town.
It's amazing that I was early to work despite getting veered off course. I guess it is a good thing to leave two hours early for a job five miles away from home.
Here is the truth.
I don't hate men.
It's more that the last guy I dated taught me that men want women half their age.
Unless I find someone who is 98, I'm not going to find anyone.
I'm okay with that.
The relationship before that was with my stalkerish ex. It's a shame he didn't see that his controlling behavior scared me away.
I've had a lot of deep relationships with guys, some platonic and a few that weren't. For a while, I felt like the angel of death because I'd get close to someone and they seemed to die within a few years.
Right now, I think I just want to process everything.
*****
I've had teenagers refer to me as asexual or aromantic. It's not that I hate guys, I'm not just ready for intimacies.
I joke and say that I'm an equal opportunity hater. I hate people.
I have an issue with the word asexual, doesn't it mean that I can reproduce by myself...like a flower? Why can't it mean that I want to work on my own shit before bringing someone else in my world?
I don't understand some things about our culture. I wish I could but I don't.
Apparently there is a flag for people like me. It is comprised of every color I hate.
. 
Yes, the cake is why I'm a size 12.
Many people I know in my generation eschew labels. Human beings are often too quick to put each other into little stereotypical boxes that may or may not be accurate.
I wonder why the millennials are pushing stereotypes based upon assumptions. The only benefit I can think of to force people to self-identify their sexual preferences (e.g. with colors, a flag or the placement of jewelry) is to prevent another person from being embarrassed about asking for sex.
My lack of understanding must mean that I'm old.
*****
Yes, I am avoiding intimate relationships. I tell myself that I'm ugly and that my skin feels like sandpaper, my mouth tastes like sardines and that I need more cosmetic surgery that it's worth to disrobe for anyone.
It seems to work. I haven't kissed anyone in years. I don't think I kissed anyone after my divorce was final.
Don't even ask about the other.....
There is another negative self-construct I have. It's been deconstructed in numerous therapies since I was a child. It is that I am horrible in relationships because my childhood was fairly shitty.
This is because I've had a couple of people say that I will never amount to anything because I was a foster child.
This has driven me batty over the years. There is a thought that I'm insecurely attached to people and cannot have relationships.
Of course, as a child, I was very close to my grandparents so the therapists point out the flaw in this theory. The past two men blamed me for everything that went down. Part of me wonders if it is because I was a foster kid.
Being orphaned has impacted me on a very deep level. There is this overwhelming sense that I'll never really fit in anywhere. Nothing I do will ever prove that I'm a success.
I haven't met many foster kids with master's degrees. I'm not sure I'll be satisfied with the doctorate.
Too many of my foster-siblings have been shot and killed by police officers.
It's sick to think how little we treat people who have PTSD. I'm sure there is some correlation between not treating our veterans well and the increased incidence of violent police encounters.
What can any one person do?
*****
Yes, I am well aware that my experiences as an orphan have colored my experience of governments.
It is obvious that I don't trust the government.
As I walked around town because my car was in the shop, I pondered why that would be. The social workers helped almost as much as they hurt me.
One Thanksgiving evening when I was twelve, my step-dad tried to have sex with me I kicked him off. He called the Sheridan police department and the officer threatened to arrest me for talking back to my step-father as I sat in a tub trying to rub his stench off of me.
I knew the cop was stupid. He was leering at my mother's 34G breasts. My step-dad's brother wanted to be the mayor. My step-dad had a hell of a lot of pull so I knew the police wouldn't help.
I told my grandmother. Of course, a few days later, a county social worker removed my sister and I from the home.
The government is a mixed bag; some people hurt, others help.
I don't think the horrors of government really started to bug me until I was eighteen.
I was raped at seventeen. The cops threw me to the ground in the hopes I had drugs. No report was filed.
I didn't trust the cops. It didn't really phase me. I lived on my own and their involvement would have just caused more trouble for me than it was worth.
My anger didn't grow until I fought with the Denver Department of Social Services trying to get my sister out of a sexually exploitive foster home. The governor had to get involved to stop that nonsense.
After removing my sister from the sexually abusive foster home, the dumb social workers awarded custody of my sister to a pimp. It took nearly twenty years to extricate her from prostitution.
She NEVER had therapy to help process the sexual abuse in the foster home prior to being sent to live with the pimp.
I know...…right?
What the hell passed for social work in 1988?
That is probably the origin of my disgust with the government.
For about a decade I was busy doing other things, sure I'd write a hypnotic letter here and there and join other campaigns but I didn't go all out balls to the wall with anything until 2008.
That was the year Attorney Evans with the city awoke me from my slumber when she called up my home and tried to threaten me for inquiring about an illegal $500 workplace fine.
She made me laugh.
Her attitude was everything those idiotic social workers had.
I have a memory of meeting with the social workers in the pimp's house prior to them giving him custody. There must have been hundreds of dildos and vibrators placed around the house, on living room bookcases and even the mantle in the dining room (where food was being served....yuk!).
They were everywhere! Whatever gave these social workers the idea that my sister would be safe in that environment was beyond me.
Maybe they were sexually inexperienced or something.
Perhaps they didn't know what a rabbit was.
Maybe they thought those were hundreds of colorful and strange plastic cactus sculptures.
I remember meeting one of them for coffee at an IHOP and trying to get her to explain why the sex toys didn't bother her. She didn't seem to see an issue with it.
It broke my heart when my concerns about my sister being induced into prostitution were proven to be the truth. A Denver police officer worked very hard to extricate my sister from the profession. He's the reason I pray for the force despite the ugly abuses of a few of the bad apples.
Sigh....
Those social workers are why I vote for politicians who are not as white as the driven snow. I want leaders who know and understand human nature. I don't want them to live in a puritanical bubble. They need to understand issues such as sex trafficking, prostitution and sexual slavery. I don't want someone so green in the gills as to not understand the truth about the ugliness in human nature. They also ought to understand the difference between victimless crime laws based on puritanical ideology (e.g. laws against homosexuality) versus crimes that involve victims (e.g. statutory rape, child prostitution).
That's what cracks me up when politicians attack those who've had sex scandals. I don't like Clinton because he lied about it. I have a hell of a lot of respect for people who own their authenticity.
I certainly don't want lawmakers to be as naïve as those social workers were. Who is so stupid as to think a twelve year old can live with a single 35 year old guy and 150 or so vibrators and live a life of sexual purity?
Okay don't answer that.
Denver social workers are that stupid.
There is something to be said for life experience.
There was no accountability for those social workers just as there is no accountability for the City Attorneys now.
I spent years paying homeless people to watch over my sister.
The government didn't care.
It's disgusting.
Far too many people in power love to wield their power even if it hurts others. They tend to turn a blind eye to the misbehavior of the people they're supposed to watch over.
I think the misbehavior fills me with rage due to the injustice my sister experienced. Apparently, people with my personality type are slow to rage but when it hits - watch out!
It's not that I don't trust men.
I don't trust bureaucracy.
I probably can go a tad bit over the top in my anger. My shrink buddies call that my shadow side. My shadow is extraverted, obnoxious, sensing, thinking and perceiving (she's an ESTP).
She's really good at creating political slogans, too.
The sad thing is that people seem to like the evil Siegfred part of my personality than the real me.
Sigh.....
********
Organizations can get so big that there is no accountability. People go around in circles just trying to accomplish something.….anything.
The government is too damn big; that is why some government employees get away with every little thing.
That is also why good employees are never recognized.
I could write forever about all the crappy stuff the government has done over the years.
I really don't know if there could be a solution that wasn't Anarchy.
It's so sad.
The government's only directive is to grow itself.
The problem is only going to get worse as more and more people join a system with little accountability.
This is the best flag to describe me at this point in my life:
Love ya,
S.