Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for the insight of a former colleague. A friend of mine and I spent some time together today.  She and I are former victim advocates. I mentioned that the Colorado State Child Support Enforcement office put my ex into a rehab program run by the Denver Rescue Mission which forbids my ex from speaking to his kids or leaving the premises to visit with them (or work) for a period ranging from 90 days to 18 months. Personally, I'm shocked that this guy has conned everybody into believing he is homeless and is incapable of earning a living. Her take was more interesting..... She thinks that someone on the state level is trying to protect me from the stalking. She told me that she's happy that I'll be safe for at least 90 days.  If he's convinced everyone he needs rehab and is locked up, I'm safe for that period of time. You know what, she's right on some level. No one has tried breaking into my home since June. Maybe things are c

Today I'm thankful for finally understanding how naïve love can make me be. The stalking started in 1992.  Typically, my ex's family would follow me around, spread rumors, get me fired and evicted from apartments. I was lucky, I did have one boss who ignored the bullshit.  I also was able to buy a home which kept me from losing a place to sleep.  Unfortunately, Michael's sister had a way of starting crap with the neighbors which took several years to unravel.  There was always drama until I explained to my neighbors that the fat chick who threatened them was my sister-in-law. She always told them that she was MY sister and that I had her and the police watching them.  You should have heard my poor paranoid alcoholic neighbor freak out.  This guy had a right to be paranoid, his wife was cheating on him.  She and a colleague drove a delivery truck.  They'd back it right up the driveway and have sex in it.  The husband would be home.  I'd be home and their antics

Today I am thankful for make-up. I sustained an injury today that make-up cannot cover. Years ago, I got pretty darn good at using make-up to hide black eyes and contusions. The cuts were so deep today that I cannot cover over them. I hid the black eye well.... I can't stop the swelling. The cuts around my face are going to scar. I always thought beauty faded slowly. For awhile, it did. I started to swell. I got a smirk wrinkle on the left side of my mouth. I got smile lines around my left eye. Who knows?  Maybe the cuts around my face will scar over and fill in the wrinkles? I doubt it. I think I lost what was left of my appearance in just a few short seconds at 5:00 a.m. ****** Long story short,  I got smacked in the face with a window.  I was wearing glasses.  The glass cut up my left eye very badly.   My face is bruised.  The emergency room doc had to hold up my eyelid to make sure my eye was clear of debris.  I don'

Today I am thankful for the laughs I get listening to criticism.   As I shopped for a purse with a peace sign, I was told that I was an angry hippie. Yeah....I'm so angry that I have to surround myself with peace signs. I quipped that I'm not an angry hippie. I am a temperamental demi-goddess!   Yeah....I envision myself as a cross between Themis and Hecate.... but in reality, I'm just a trickster coyote.   Yeah....I'm just a dog.  Woof!!  Then I thought about it. I was born during the Vietnam War. I have the energy of the year of my birth. There were a lot of angry hippies during the Vietnam War. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I carry the energy from the circumstances of my conception and the earliest sounds I heard. I spent the first eight weeks of my life in a hospital. It could be that the doctors who kept me company told me about the horrors of war. I remember one doctor. His name was Sayers.  He would vis

Today I am thankful for the perspective of blocked memories.  Michael sent me an email the other day claiming that he was homeless and in rehab.  He chastised me because I didn't "understand his reality." He totally forgot that I was homeless at seventeen after my parents died and my uncle's girlfriend demanded I leave his house.  My uncle was getting paid by social security to keep me. It didn't matter to his girlfriend. I was rescued by a gay man whose parents threw him out when he came out of the closet.  He finished high school living on his own in a scary part of town. This man took pity on me and helped me find an apartment.  I worked a lot so I had money.  I was just seventeen and had no one to cosign for me.  This man did.  I wasn't going to let him down. His name was Jim. I've tried over the years to pay Jim's kind deed back. I always swore if I had a son, I'd name him James. It never happened.  Even my cat is female.

Today I am thankful for activist friends. I was tagged into an online discussion. I was shown a video.  My computer doesn't work.  It typically doesn't play videos but it played this one.  It must be divine intervention. It shows a black man being physically assaulted by an Aurora police supervisor.  This alleged devotee of the law refused to say why the man was being detained. Some peace officer, huh? He can't even follow the law he was sworn to uphold!!! It's really hard to respect someone who doesn't honor his commitments. The City Attorneys cleaned it up by giving this man $110,000 (which may not come close to his medical costs if he truly had a pulled groin). Sigh.....I guess the police can do what they want to do if they can pick-pocket the taxpayers to pay for the resulting mess that ensues. The worst part of it is that these assholes make good cops look shitty. How many of these bad cops cause good cops to be shot, or maimed, or harasse

I've decided to have a love affair with life.  We're only here a finite amount of time.  We have to act now to get things done.   Today I am thankful for the understanding that when all is lost it only makes room for things to improve.  So....everyone in my house has the stomach flu. I haven't caught it yet and I credit the homemade Kombucha. The trick is piloncillo. Since I started using Mexican brown sugar, it's become much more fizzy and yummy. Hopefully it will keep me well. Maybe when I can afford to upgrade my computer, I'll share my recipe. It was in my fear of getting sick and laziness in wanting to go to the regular supermarket to get brown sugar that opened the way for better Kombucha. Are there any problems that the Mexican grocer can't solve? They taught me that Vicks Vape-O-Rub solves every illness. So far....anyway. The smell also keeps evil spirits and men away, too. ****** Now....my ex husband is claiming that

Today I am thankful for my female colleagues; they taught me something. I am not afraid of men. I am afraid to be alone with men in public. So..... One of my female colleagues invited the social worker to sit with us at lunch.  He offered me his food.  It was health food disguised as junk food. Sharing food is a subconscious sign that someone considers you part of his or her tribe.  I, on the other hand, had junk food disguised as health food. I only had a gross protein cookie that tasted like chalk and a Diet Pepsi to wash it down with. I cared too much to share. It was interesting. We could talk when my friend was around.   He patiently listened as my friend played a variety of Dr. Who ring tones for me and I tried to guess which Doctor the sound belonged to.  I recognized the sound of the intro to number Doctor #1, #2 and #10. I confused Bad Wolf's theme song with River Song's theme. I guess I failed the test. Well, you know, n

Today I am thankful for a laugh and the realization that my ex has lost his sense of reality . I sent my ex an email about some health problems the 19 year old is enduring.  He called a couple of days later wanting to know why I am not taking the kids out to the movies each weekend. He's not talking about movies at the cheapy $1.50 theater. He's talking about recent releases. I am the sole income earner in a household of four, three teenagers and myself. Um...... I lost my job in May. I can't afford to take them to the movies!!! He doesn't pay child support.  He claims to be so poor he can't afford rent. Is it possible he's telling the truth? Maybe he's homeless and staying in the movie theater for warmth?  I shouldn't judge.  We're in the Denver Metro area.  Mortgage payments are less than rent.  It's probably cheaper to watch feature films all night, every night, than to rent an apartment. I've never done the math.

Today I am thankful for gut instincts.   Most of us should honor them. It is no secret that I'm looking for steady 9-5 job in addition to my small business.  I do not receive the court ordered child support while the expenses are continuing to grow; that happens as kids learn to drive and enter college.  Rather than hassle my ex, I have decided that it is my duty to make as much money as I can. Since I make 52% of what my ex makes, I have to work two jobs. So....In addition to being a psychotherapist, I work as a licensed health agent in 37 states.  Right now, I'm a captive agent for my former employer.  I'm working on getting my property and casualty license. I've recently interviewed with my auto insurer and was told to expect an offer letter this week. I don't know if that means anything......a deal isn't a deal until you've signed on the dotted line. The sad thing is that I make more money selling insurance than I could as a licensed Dr