Today I am thankful that I am well aware of my insecurities.
I cannot get involved with anyone.
I avoid my friends. I don't want them sucked into the drama.
I avoid my relatives for the same reason.
I avoid my neighbors (except the one who has fallen ill....let's just say that he had hip surgery and the medications have been known to cause depression and suicidal ideation).
I avoid the men that I know have feelings for me.
A dear friend told me that he loved me.
I couldn't say a word. I just sobbed silently as he wheeled away.
He deserves so much better.
I put on 20 pounds in the past ten years. I think it has to do with the lack of sex.
I'm not in a position to do anything about the lack of sex.
Living like this is hell.
It feels like hell.
I doubt that I'm pretty. I am actually thinking about cosmetic surgery. My uncle is a cosmetic surgeon.
I've never let myself go under the knife.
But maybe.....my appearance is why my ex-husband became obnoxious.
That could explain why the relationship fizzled; perhaps the ben wa balls weren't small enough.
Maybe a third job could help me afford to buy some self-confidence.
I think so long as I'm this down on myself, a relationship won't work.
Insecure people are hurt people.
Hurt people tend to hurt people.
There is more to it than my appearance.
I don't know that I'm not a crazy, loser with drama problems.
Case in point.....
The school district kicked my kids out because I rented a PO Box.
I rented a PO Box because I have a stalker and missing mail.
Since I can't get the kids in public school, I will probably need to put them in private school.
I was an anti-tax activist for a long time. Not too long ago, the Colorado Supreme Court claimed it was illegal for private schools to get taxpayer funds.
What about those cases where taxpayers can't get their kids into the local schools and are forced into private schools?
They say that doesn't happen.
It just did....to me.
I can't be alone.
I want people in my situation to be able to get property tax refunds to put towards private school.
My first instinct is to call my activist buddies and scheme.
That's drama.
I don't think a man would want that in his life.
******
Today I find myself thinking about two men I must avoid.
Both are seven years older than I.
One likes to make jewelry, as do I.
The other is an author and political activist.
One asked me to spend the night so we could attend a jewelry show in a beautiful town near the four corners area.
The other told me he loved me. He likes that I'm a rabble rouser. He grinned when I spoke about the schools and what I thought would work to help redirect funds away from local school districts abusing their power with people like me.
I simply said "I'm not a trouble maker. The politicians started it when they started taking liberties with other peoples' money and broke their promises."
They took my money and claimed it was to educate my children.
Stalking victims can't have children in public school if they use a PO Box.
Someone ought to say something.
It may as well be me.
There can't be a man alive who would want that drama in his life.
I feel an assortment of negative emotions when it comes to this love business.
I feel stunned.
I feel confused.
I feel frightened.
I'm not ready for such things.
I want to hide.
******
I can't date.
I can't even date men I've known for years.
I don't know the truth about what is going on in my life.
I know my ex-husband's family stalks me. I know my ex-husband won't leave and that he ignores court orders. I know my ex-husband doesn't love me.
I don't know what is going on in my life or how to take the reins of my own life away from a madman.
I've decided that if my lawyer doesn't follow through with even trying to serve my ex in the next few days, I'm firing him and giving him an honest review on Avvo and Yelp.
I hired him in March.
All he has done is sent a letter asking Michael to move out in three days. That was in June.
Letters like that tend to irritate narcissistic, self-entitled asshats.
When one does not follow up on the threats in the letter, the asshats gets worse because you've taught them that you will not follow through.
My lawyer is dragging his feet with following through.
My life is getting worse.
I'm beginning to feel trapped.
******
Michael's van broke down.
I had to drive him 30 miles away, twice, to help him repair it.
He took the battery out of a car I'm trying to sell.
He took it to fix his van.
He didn't ask.
He just....kinda....took it.
He put the old battery in the truck of my new pristine car.
It's still there.
He bitches about how my car takes up too much room in my garage.
He complains that the children don't put the silverware in the tray exactly the way he likes it.
He doesn't like my exercise equipment being in my basement because it is in his way. I can't exercise anymore because his clothes are all over the place.
It's my house.
I'm paying all the bills.
I'm doing the housework (except his laundry and he does move the trash once a week).
That's all he does.
I do everything else!
The complaining....the knocks....the digs...
are exhausting.
I want this over with.
It's hurtful.
******
I was lectured yesterday by a child.
This child told me that my ex-husband was my stalker.
This child told me in great detail why I needed him out of my life.
It was hard to hear.
I'm not sure I can share everything the child said.
Apparently, years ago, I asked for help with the stalking.
This child heard me.
My ex-husband's reply was "it's not important."
That was the kicker.
There is more.
There is actual evidence but I'm scared to share it because I don't want to betray the identity of the child.
I don't know how to leave the situation.
I almost raided my retirement just to buy him a car if he promised to leave within the next day or so. The child heard us talking about it. That was when I learned what the kid knew.
It would be just like signing the van over to him. Centurylink offered the owner of the van $1980.00 for damages. I thought Michael could use that money to move out. That is why I signed it over to him.
The money is gone. He said he used it to buy a cell phone.
There is nothing I can do to help this guy get on his own two feet because he doesn't want to be independent.
I've got to get away.
There is a job in Wyoming I may take. It's a life coach job (so it's like what I do now without the hypnosis pendulum showmanship).
There is an opportunity in Stockton, California. There is also another one in Minnesota.
Maybe that is what I have to do....
Maybe all I can do is sell the house out from under this guy who won't leave.
******
I'm a fighter.
I usually win.
Winning usually entails going up against reasonable people and finding win-win solutions.
I don't know how to deal with unreasonable people.
I don't know what on Earth makes a man think he has the right to impose on his ex-wife in such a manner.
I'm tired of crying.
*****
It actually hurts me to cry.
I ate a piece of shrimp two days ago.
Long story short. My daughter wanted to try shrimp. I showed her how to eat it like a lady.
My tongue is swollen. My face and ears are swollen.
One funny thing is that my wrinkles appear minimal due to the swelling.
I'd say that is a nice feature but unfortunately wincing in pain is not attractive.
One of my ears hurts horribly.
It started to bleed.
I don't know why.
I didn't hear any loud noises.
I didn't poke anything in my ears.
My ear has been hurting since I ate the piece of shrimp.
I can still hear okay.
I think I can still hear okay.
It hurts to swallow (so maybe it's a good thing I'm not in a relationship).
The doctor said I had a minor allergy.
Yeah...it's minor.
I have a bag full of inhalers and drugs the doc gave me before I lost my insurance.
I'm going to see what is in my goodie bag. Maybe there is something there that will help with the allergy.
I've been pushing myself despite the pain.
I can't keep up the pace.
I'm exhausted.
I'm falling behind on all the work I need to do.
There has to be something that I can do to change the situation.
I wish I knew.
I'll pray for a solution.
Love ya,
S.