Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for dreams: The one I had this morning alerted me to the fact that I am under surveillance . My therapist has asked me to keep a dream journal.  I said I would.  I bought a little leather journal but never write in it.  I tell myself that I'll remember every detail.  I know I probably won't. I tend to have two recurring dreams. In the first version, I'm usually cleaning something and a man is standing behind me trying to tell me that I need to do things for him.  The men are usually Michael or Steve.  I'm usually recounting the bullshit they've pulled in the past.  In these dreams, I'll be cleaning something and find a piece of paper with blurred writing.  In one, I'm cleaning a refrigerator and this paper is stuck under a magnet.  In another, I am sweeping and it is on the floor.  I can never get close enough to read it. I am thinking that the papers are probably representative of break-up notes and/or a divorce decr

Today I am thankful for the identification of the white Accord in my neighborhood. So..... Michael is in town this weekend. Michael took me to see Shannon's car.  It is sitting outside of Doug's Condo just a few blocks away.  Doug's condo has a garage. I assume that is where the truck is kept. It is also the Accord that shows up on our surveillance footage in front of our house. So.... I remember an April day in 2012, when I broke the first carpet cleaning machine I owned.  I was looking out the window and saw an 80's model white Honda Accord with two very obese people in it. I remember feeling sorry for them and wondering how they fit. One was wearing a black coat.  The other a royal blue coat.  They both wore hats.  I remember thinking that it was odd that they were wearing so many clothes on such a warm day.  There were there for quite some time. It never dawned on me that it could possibly be Shannon and Doug.  I am beginning to susp

Well.....hmmmm....... I don't know..... I am thankful for my Libertarian buddy in Vancouver. So...... I graduated from college in Washington State.  I do a lot with the alumni association.  It is like a big family.  When I ran for mayor, I learned that the head of the small business association sent his kids to the same college I attended.  He was very nice to me because of it. It was like being with family. My friend and his wife own a Mail Box businesses.  They are going to rent one to Michael, so he can contact his mother.  They'll do that....if Michael follows through. Let me explain why this may save my arse..... ******* Nine days ago, at 11:40 a.m.,  Douglas V3ga sat outside my house and blocked my driveway when I left to see a client.  He was in a white Dodge Ram pick-up that, I understand, is not registered to him.  I followed it to an address down the street .  When I looked up the address on the voter rolls, Mr. Vega was listed as

What happened to the band's official channel?  Wow...this one has links to buy the song on Amazon, so I'll post it.   You think you're happy Think you're free But maybe we're just Comfortably deceived . - my favorite misheard lyric.   Today I am thankful for political frenemies.   I hung out with Democrat lawmakers today.  It is a different world.  They believe laws will solve all the world's problems.  They just make laws: they don't care if they are Constitutional or not.  Constitutionality is the job of the courts.  They just make laws: they don't care whether or not law enforcement actually enforces them. At least they're trying to do something. This is in sharp contrast to Republican lawmakers.  They will test Constitutionality.  They will poll law enforcement.  It takes them awhile to pass a law. At least they're trying to see the unintended consequences of legislation.  My issue?  Well.....I'm going to n

Today I am thankful for therapists with a sense of humor. So....I went to see my shrink today. She knows all about the crazy crap I used to put up with from my now deceased sister-in-law.  She knows about the crazy stuff I endured from my sister-in-law's fiancé, who often accompanied her on her crazy journeys.  She knows that Shannon is dead. The fiancé's name is Doug. That Doug formerly lived an hour away but moved within blocks of my house in October of last year.  Yeah.....county records can help people uncover amazing information.  Doug refers to me as Satan.  He has, quite literally, walked up to me, grabbed my shoulder and said "Hi, Satan!" I laughed. I shouldn't have laughed.  I think laughing made him do weirder stuff.  It was funny....at the time.  Yesterday he was messing with me at the house.  He had blocked my driveway and didn't move the massive truck he was driving until I started to back out onto the grass

Today I am thankful that I followed a man in a white Dodge Ram E1500: He turned out to be too darn familiar.  It was a very weird day.  I think I found a new office.  Renting this one will give me access to four high end buildings across the city. I'm fairly excited that things are looking up. Hooray! For the first time in years, I made my calendar public so that my clients could choose their own appointments. I blocked out the hours 10:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. That was a mistake.  One of my appointments cancelled and I found myself home at 11:40.  That was when I ran into a man who looked like Doug V. Doug is Shannon's fiancé.  He is the man who harassed me in Arvada.  He's the guy who approaches me on the street to call me Satan.  He is the guy who went into a colleagues office, shuffled her papers and demanded to know where I went to church.  He was the guy who watched Thomas and I dine on pizza.  I'm not sure if he's the dark hair

Today I am thankful that I never had the displeasure of being threatened with rape by a man in a dress. In fact, I was once spared an assault by a cross dresser.  He helped me fend off an attacker.  I miss Jim dearly.  Sigh....... I have never once been ridiculed, insulted, or physically attacked by a gay man, a transsexual, or anyone who didn't identify with social constructs.  What I am witnessing unfolding on Facebook and Twitter shocks the holy heck out of me.  I think of my friends who died of AIDS in the mid-eighties and cringe.  I think of the trailblazers who fought Amendment Two and feel incredibly sad. I thought we had progress.  Finally, duos of men and duos of women can walk the streets without fear of being beaten by cops.  Finally, I can have a dinner date with my buddy who looks better than dresses than I do and not worry about what anyone will say or do. Just when I think we've made progress, some misogynistic jerk has to run around shoo

Today I am thankful for acceptance but am starting to get a tad bit irritated by the tug of war between gay rights activists and conservatives. I'm really beginning to become irritated by the whole gay rights -vs- anti-gay rights crowd.  I'm not against people having equal rights.  I don't want them losing jobs, homes, opportunity, health care and all of those things that the pursuit of happiness requires.  I don't want to put myself in harms way just so that a small group of people feel more accepted. It would seem to me that both the groups of people are pushing for acceptance to the detriment of other people. On one hand, we have people who want to feel free to be themselves in public (even if some of the rules they want to apply put people at risk of rape).  On the other hand, we have people afraid of re-enacting the Biblical story of Sodom and Gomorrah (so they try to control the sexuality of other people).  Enough Already! ******* On Friday I had someon

Today I am trying to be thankful for sad news. My ex-husband brought me a copy of Shannon's death certificate.  They didn't find the cancer until a few days before she died.  There was no service. She was cremated.  I am sad for her.  I am sad for her family.  I feel guilty for feeling happy that the stalking has ended.  Couldn't there have been another way? It's going to take a while to process this. ***** I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD.  I am in treatment.  Things have been changing in my life.  I will try to update soon.  This is so very hard to process.  I have had so many things change over the past eight weeks.  I've started advertising again.  I'm seeing clients.  I was offered a job as a hostess.  It doesn't pay well but it sounds like fun.  I took a volunteer job as a publicity director for a local charity.  I can get back out in the public eye.  ***** Someone must be praying for me.  I can onl