Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for the advice of an old man.  I've had a chronic cough for over a year. I thought it was asthma.  I've been working for a California HMO over the past 14 months, they've been promising me health insurance. It never comes to fruition. I've been waiting to have my asthma re-evaluated. At least I thought it was asthma. I started fainting at the gym at the age of 28.  The docs told me it was exercise induced asthma and gave me a prescription for an inhaler. I never filled it. The breathing has gotten worse. It got to a point on Friday that I started to wheeze and cough with activity. I had overbooked myself on Saturday.  I had hypnosis clients and promised someone I'd go to a Democrat event. I pushed myself. When I went to the political event, it was more crowded than a rave.  I'm not joking.  It was at a café which was smaller than my living room.  There must have been eighty people there. I went in and spok...

Today I am thankful for the realization that I have to lawyer up.  I've decided that I can no longer deal with the attorney who wanted me to capitulate to my stalker.  All that did was make my ex more brazen.  The lawyer didn't want me to make my ex mad. The problem with that is...well..my ex always seems to be raging unless he's in front of people he wants to influence.  Anger can be a manipulative tool. He's nice if I do everything he wants, too. I don't have time cater to him any more. I'm tired. The level of hostility and his aggressiveness scares me.  One would think that it would have leveled out five years since the divorce was finalized.  One would think that if I didn't push to collect child support, he'd be nicer, too. It's getting worse.  He sends me vile messages while demanding that I answer mediation paperwork.  I have NEVER seen paperwork from the mediator or my lawyer of record.  He's either lyin...

Today I am thankful for my Grandmother's wisdom about flies and vinegar.  Today around 3:15, my ex-husband demanded visitation with "his" girls on Friday. He hasn't seen them for nearly three years. I'm very concerned about his mental health due to some of the bizarre, reality bending things he emails and texts to me.  I received several today calling me a liar. He'll tell me that I made up the stalking (despite the letters and emails I've saved). I'm sure the police department has records of all of the phone calls.  I've been stalked in front of politicians, a psychiatrist (who was friends with the mayor) and several friends.  His family harassed my colleagues.  It's not a secret. My ex will tell me that I got him fired because I asked for video footage of a stalking event in July 2015 .  Yes, my ex-husband had a video camera in the living room that piped into his work cell phone.  It recorded all of our private conversations as ...

Today I am thankful for free time to ponder the content of my subconscious mind.  Typically, I don't get time to think. Today I did. I awoke, this morning at 5:00 am. I had two dreams.  Not an important dream that will change the world but a dream that will help me understand the root of my romantic dysfunction. Dream #1: In this dream, I am sitting on a public bus.  There is a large man next to me but I cannot see his face as it is blurred out. Tom is sitting across the aisle from me.  He reaches out for my hands but has an evaluative look on his face. He asks, "how many relationships have you had since I left?"  "Three", I hesitate before asking, "Am I supposed to count you in the number?"   "Yes."  "Oh...four.  There was this guy I tried to date a few years ago but it didn't go very far."  He looked at me with those intently inquisitive eyes, "How many years has it been since you've be...

Today I am thankful for rent-able dumpsters. So.... As my kids get older and start to age into adulthood, I am thankful that they are telling me things that they were afraid to tell me in their youth. I am going to need to find a way to get a good job with health insurance so I can get them decent psych benefits. I knew I needed to do this but I had no idea how bad it was. Well.... I can't walk into the kitchen without wanting to vomit. This evening, my 20 year old told me about her father watching porn at the kitchen table and.... well.... soiling the rug and the underside of what I thought was the lily white underside of my country oak kitchen table. It was hinted that he did this in the living room, too.  So...the furniture and carpet have got to go. I don't know if this is true or not.  Now, I have to consult with a professional to determine if this constitutes child abuse or neglect. I don't feel right quizzing the kids about this and need to ...

Today I am thankful for the culmination of dreams, insight from other Pagans and a Goddess meditation. First off, I was wrong.  Working 50 hours a week and attending school for 20 hours does not get rid of dreams of an old love. Sigh.... I figure that if I understood what my subconscious mind was trying to say, the dreams would stop. The dreams started in 1987. They waned for a bit but came back with a vengeance on 11-5-2005. For the first decade or so, the dreams were frightening.  In each dream, the subject would be injured.  The heartbreaking thing was that, invariably, the subject would wind up with these injuries in real life. No, I had nothing to do with the injuries. About three years ago, they turned into more personal dreams.  The only thing they do now is make me feel bizarre.  I can't be running around having subconscious imagery of a guy I rarely talk to anymore. It would be very awkward to fun into his family now and...well....you...