Today I am thankful for sleep (maybe)....
Oh, and I'm fully vaccinated.
Yeah - not so sure I trust the vaccine. I won't let the kids get certain vaccines until they are of age because they haven't been on the market very long. If they are going to get sick, at least it'll be their decision.
With Covid, my rationale was bizarre -
It was....
I have an eating disorder so I eat a bunch of diet foods containing aspartame, sucralose, saccharine and a host of other bizarre chemicals (possibly formaldehyde because I swear some stuff tastes like particle board....that's supposed to be a joke but if you've tasted diet food, you'd wonder).
I eat so much weird stuff, what harm can mutated RNA do that I haven't already done to myself?
The first shot made me tired and made the pain in my injured knee worse.
The second one gave me a sore throat, chills and made me sleep. I slept 16 hours yesterday.
The problem with sleep is the dreams.
This time the dreams were weird.
I'm in an empty room with an old friend huddled in the corner ignoring me like I'm some kind of ghost.
I ask him to teach me that trick. I want to ignore ghosts from my past, too.
Because he's ignoring me, there is no answer.
At least he didn't die, break a leg or get injured in this dream.
I awoke inspired to clean my room.
It's all good.
I haven't been feeling well the past couple of months. So, I started to take a prescription my doctor gave me in 2012 that I never filled.
It was for Wellbutrin. I took it because my boss said she had complaints about my energy that she refused to specify. She couched it as depression.
When I identified the source of the complaint, I learned it was anxiety. The person who complained likes to play on her phone, watch her daughter play games on the weekend and doesn't really like to work. She also likes to complain about her narcissistic ex husband and his personality disordered wife who has him by the gonads. She talks about her upbringing from an emotionally abusive father with the nurse in front of the patients. I tended to run around and make myself scarce.
It was for Wellbutrin. I took it because my boss said she had complaints about my energy that she refused to specify. She couched it as depression.
When I identified the source of the complaint, I learned it was anxiety. The person who complained likes to play on her phone, watch her daughter play games on the weekend and doesn't really like to work. She also likes to complain about her narcissistic ex husband and his personality disordered wife who has him by the gonads. She talks about her upbringing from an emotionally abusive father with the nurse in front of the patients. I tended to run around and make myself scarce.
I don't blame her -but- I am one who will take on everything so that I don't leave work behind for the next shift. That could explain why I felt anxious from time to time. It felt like I had to take on the bulk of the work plus work my boss asked me to do because of my master's degree. There were times it was too much.
She had issues with anxiety, too. People who spread gossip tend to project their issues onto the subjects of the gossip. I gave her a worry stone made from her birthstone to deal with her anxiety. Worry stones are the fidget toys of the ancients.
I was as kind as I could be to her. I'm not sure if I'll unblock her on Linkedin, though. She seemed genuinely shocked that the boss said I hypnotized the patients. It seems doubtful that she spread that lie. It's almost as if my boss were grasping at any straw to get me to quit.
I was as kind as I could be to her. I'm not sure if I'll unblock her on Linkedin, though. She seemed genuinely shocked that the boss said I hypnotized the patients. It seems doubtful that she spread that lie. It's almost as if my boss were grasping at any straw to get me to quit.
That strategy worked.
The whole thing is weird.
The last month, after my boss accused me of hypnotizing everybody, I started to take 10mg Wellbutrin twice per day for the anxiety. It was strange. I had short term memory problems. I could not remember my name for about two hours after taking my medication. My ears would ring horribly and I would literally feel myself fight to gather a coherent thought. I was nauseated, my face went numb....and my blood pressure was unusually high.
The last month, after my boss accused me of hypnotizing everybody, I started to take 10mg Wellbutrin twice per day for the anxiety. It was strange. I had short term memory problems. I could not remember my name for about two hours after taking my medication. My ears would ring horribly and I would literally feel myself fight to gather a coherent thought. I was nauseated, my face went numb....and my blood pressure was unusually high.
Yesterday, I tried to do an exercise in a class I'd taken numerous times over the years. I've never failed the class - ever. I've never had a problem talking. It was weird....I kept losing my words.
I haven't taken that crap since. It's been well over 24 hours now. That stuff is 90% out of my body. It's nice to be able to remember what bills to pay.
The lesson here is that if a job is making you run for mind-altering medications, just find another job.
Last week, my former boss texted me several times and had her RN buddy do the same. They claim they never received the key I left in the cabinet. There comes a time when one has to step away from things that we are unsure are drama or real issues.
Given the bully-shit and the gossip I was presented with from these people over the past four months, I'm thinking it's more drama. They are going to use me as the scapegoat as long as they can.
The only way to deal with people wanting to blame you for their problems is to leave them alone to sort it out. They can't blame you if they don't know what you're doing.
They can deal with their own locks. I need to deal with my sanity. If I'm feeling generous, I'll keep my promise to HR and talk to them about what happened rather than run to the Feds or Glassdoor.
Maybe I do need to ask that dream character how I can ignore ghosts from my past (even the most recent ghosts of nasty former colleagues).
On the bright side, I've connected with many wonderful former supervisors. I still miss one. He died of Covid last year and is buried close to my parents. I wonder if my trumpet-playing buddy will play for him on Memorial Day?
I'd love that.
On the bright side, I've connected with many wonderful former supervisors. I still miss one. He died of Covid last year and is buried close to my parents. I wonder if my trumpet-playing buddy will play for him on Memorial Day?
I'd love that.
*****
The past few days, I've been thinking about my Grandmother. Her eldest daughter and only son were alcoholics. They would blame her for their behavior. Grandma's response was classic -
She'd say "I'm not your Jewish carpenter."
Not sure how well that would sound coming from a Bohemian woman wearing a crystal in her Druid cloak.
*****
I have to give people the benefit of the doubt.
After all these years, I found myself uncomfortable in my transpersonal and humanistic training at my former workplace. Working at the company that had a huge focus on the 12 Steps. After a while of being called into the boss's office and presented with bizarre accusations, I started to believe my boss when she said I never fit in with the company. In fact, I started taking it as my not fitting in with the industry.
This morning I realized that she was right. I don't fit in with the company.
This morning I realized that she was right. I don't fit in with the company.
The 12 Steps focus on one's defects. It is fairly moralistic, judgmental and blaming. It labels people struggling with addiction. It bothered me to use terms like "addicts" and "patients" and that the company has a cookie cutter approach to treatment. We are not people to be molded into model citizens. It used to drive me up a wall when my boss would categorize all people struggling with addiction as "liars" with control issues. The addiction may cause them to lie but we should be careful about labels.
We are individuals. We are pioneers. We have intrinsic value as individuals that no one else has because we are each unique in how we view, understand and navigate the world. In my faith, we were created via love and bestowed with a uniqueness only unto us as individuals. No one else can make the contributions we make - no one. We should foster the actualization of the true self rather than push people into boxes far too small for their whole presence of spirit to fit.
Where would humanity be if we allowed every person the opportunity to shine in their truest light? We would be far more advanced than we could imagine.
My former boss lady is right, I don't fit in with that cookie-cutter, last century company culture. Its not 1930 anymore. We're pushing 2030!
Its time to evolve.
When I think of the company, I feel nauseated. When I looked at my face during a Zoom meeting yesterday discussing the issue, you could see the disgust on my face. It permeated every meeting I had for the rest of the day. I thought Wellbutrin would help - nope - I just forgot my name and how to talk
We are individuals. We are pioneers. We have intrinsic value as individuals that no one else has because we are each unique in how we view, understand and navigate the world. In my faith, we were created via love and bestowed with a uniqueness only unto us as individuals. No one else can make the contributions we make - no one. We should foster the actualization of the true self rather than push people into boxes far too small for their whole presence of spirit to fit.
Where would humanity be if we allowed every person the opportunity to shine in their truest light? We would be far more advanced than we could imagine.
My former boss lady is right, I don't fit in with that cookie-cutter, last century company culture. Its not 1930 anymore. We're pushing 2030!
Its time to evolve.
When I think of the company, I feel nauseated. When I looked at my face during a Zoom meeting yesterday discussing the issue, you could see the disgust on my face. It permeated every meeting I had for the rest of the day. I thought Wellbutrin would help - nope - I just forgot my name and how to talk
People must've thought I had a stroke or something.
Sigh -
I won't take that stuff ever again.
Today I'm wondering if I can hypnotize myself not to look like I'm going to puke when I think of the whole experience. I may see these people again at conferences or during legislative meetings: I don't want to vomit on their shoes. Truth be told, in that line of work, it happens far too much.
*****
I'm on to bigger and better things.
Not sure where to go from here. May have to hire a lawyer if the weirdness doesn't stop soon. Wanted to go to the City Building and educate the mayor but they are still doing Zoom meetings.
I didn't want to look I was going to throw up during that meeting. Zoom and I don't get along. I can't get a good read on people if I'm not near them in person.
I didn't want to look I was going to throw up during that meeting. Zoom and I don't get along. I can't get a good read on people if I'm not near them in person.
Sigh -
I have an idea to push Coffman on to a different path. Right now, I'm recruiting help.
There are some things that an activist has to keep quiet.
If I don't write for awhile it's because I'm working very hard trying to unlearn all the crap I learned in
There are some things that an activist has to keep quiet.
If I don't write for awhile it's because I'm working very hard trying to unlearn all the crap I learned in
the past two years. I'm also scheming.
*****
Whoever you are, know you're important. It may take a while to figure out where you shine the most but, trust me, your light is necessary.
*****
Whoever you are, know you're important. It may take a while to figure out where you shine the most but, trust me, your light is necessary.
Advice is free and worth the cost - but at the risk of sounding annoying, I'll write the following.
If I leave you with any advice, it is to find those things that make you happy and do more of that. As an orphaned teenager, I was often alone. I used to find joy eating lunch with homeless folks. I spent my best birthdays doing that.
I never thought that would lead me to politics or a career I truly loved.
If I leave you with any advice, it is to find those things that make you happy and do more of that. As an orphaned teenager, I was often alone. I used to find joy eating lunch with homeless folks. I spent my best birthdays doing that.
I never thought that would lead me to politics or a career I truly loved.
In high school, I spent the afternoons outside of a retirement home talking to former jazz musicians. This was in the mid-eighties so these guys literally played the jazz clubs in Five Points. They taught me so much about saxophones (they used to make them in numerous keys.....these guys could look at something and tell me how it would sound and how to improve it....they even knew where to buy the best gear cheaply). One guy made me consider learning the slide trombone (never did, though). These men developed my appreciation for the therapeutic value of music. I should never have stopped visiting them. Maybe that should be my dissertation - the use of music to help dementia patients. Truth be told, it's probably been done. Maybe when I have a spare moment, I'll hit the journals.
Just know this - following your bliss and your joy will lead you to your passion. Find your passion and the money will follow.
Wishing you much joy, passion and prosperity on your journey,
S.
Wishing you much joy, passion and prosperity on your journey,
S.