Today I am thankful that I'm sleeping, even if I am perplexed by the meaning of the dreams.
So...I keep seeing the name "Tom" in the remnants of candles that I burn.
It makes me feel a little bit crazy and silly. I've been trying to understand the meaning.
Now, that said, my first love's name is Thomas. I was allowed to call him "Tom."
I frequently have dreams of Tom.
I frequently have dreams of Tom.
The dreams tend to give me a sense of what he currently looks like. Over the past eleven years, we've met a few times. The dreams tend to give a heads up so I can prepare to meet with my old friend.
I dreamt of Tom again last night.
I'll do my best to describe it.
In this dream, I've packed up all of my belongings (my home and workplace are getting new carpet thus everything in my life is in storage....that's probably a reference to the changes occurring around me).
The boxes are behind me as I enter a room full of patients ready to do a group session. We're not in a circle but in a classroom.
In the back, there is a tall man with dark hair, slumped in his chair, barely awake.
Another patient runs up to me and hands me a folded note from the man in the back.
The tired man's name is Tom.
I walk outside of the door to read the note in private. I gently open the paper and it is colorful. The background is pink (denoting friendship) and each word is encased in a square.
Each square is a different color. The words combine to build a very colorful wall.
The beautiful wall, comprised of many colorful blocks, is incredibly sad.
I can barely remember the note, only the gist of it.
I'll do my best to describe it.
In this dream, I've packed up all of my belongings (my home and workplace are getting new carpet thus everything in my life is in storage....that's probably a reference to the changes occurring around me).
The boxes are behind me as I enter a room full of patients ready to do a group session. We're not in a circle but in a classroom.
In the back, there is a tall man with dark hair, slumped in his chair, barely awake.
Another patient runs up to me and hands me a folded note from the man in the back.
The tired man's name is Tom.
I walk outside of the door to read the note in private. I gently open the paper and it is colorful. The background is pink (denoting friendship) and each word is encased in a square.
Each square is a different color. The words combine to build a very colorful wall.
The beautiful wall, comprised of many colorful blocks, is incredibly sad.
I can barely remember the note, only the gist of it.
In first person language, the author expressed frustration at the thought that I wouldn't want him to make any effort at being a friend - that I didn't believe that any effort, no matter how small, would benefit him in any way.
It went to say that he spent nearly $100 to track me down and buy me two lunches and coffee. He was upset that I thought I wasn't worth that paltry sum.
The dream fades away as I fold the note and look back at the man slumped in the chair.
Note: Squares represent the physical world rather than the spiritual world. The dream points to my own lack of self-worth as the reason for the distance between us.
*****
It went to say that he spent nearly $100 to track me down and buy me two lunches and coffee. He was upset that I thought I wasn't worth that paltry sum.
The dream fades away as I fold the note and look back at the man slumped in the chair.
Note: Squares represent the physical world rather than the spiritual world. The dream points to my own lack of self-worth as the reason for the distance between us.
*****
I woke up perplexed.
It's Friday, the day of Aphrodite.
I didn't know what in the world was said to cause my subconcious mind to dream that message.
Then I realized what it was.....
I wrote that as a child, I didn't think I had anything special to offer to my friend.
We were incredibly close
-but-
I was the wrong version of his religion,
I was not very beautiful (although in his late thirties, he confided that he used to think I was "hot").
I was poor (he didn't know this but I was moving into my own apartment because I didn't have anywhere to live).
I was afraid of living my mother's life (as an alcoholic - yeah, that explains my career choice).
I loved him dearly. I always felt he was like the better half of our relationship. We were like a set of twins with him being blessed with the good looks, the wisdom and the talent. I was the silly once with the temper but no necessary wisdom to make good use of my anger.
I was the wrong version of his religion,
I was not very beautiful (although in his late thirties, he confided that he used to think I was "hot").
I was poor (he didn't know this but I was moving into my own apartment because I didn't have anywhere to live).
I was afraid of living my mother's life (as an alcoholic - yeah, that explains my career choice).
I loved him dearly. I always felt he was like the better half of our relationship. We were like a set of twins with him being blessed with the good looks, the wisdom and the talent. I was the silly once with the temper but no necessary wisdom to make good use of my anger.
I never thought I was what he wanted as I was too worried about the future and too melancholy over the death of my parents and grandmother.
When he left me, I assumed it was because I didn't make him happy.
I didn't realize that he left me so I could study music. I found out about that 20 years later.
There must be some guilt there.
I do know that I'm old. I'm fat. I'm struggling.
Right now, I'm terrified to date anyone.
Right now, I'm terrified to date anyone.
Maybe I need to try to figure out my value.
******
The candles and the dreams are causing me to try to understand what meaning that name has for me.
Yes, I miss my friend. I felt like a part of me died when he left.
It'll all be worth it if I know he is happy.
That's all that matters - his happiness.
That's all that matters - his happiness.
I the meantime, I'll try to meditate. It's possible that the name means something else to my subconscious mind.
Love ya,
S.