Today I am thankful for time to think.
I've spent a lot of time asking myself what I should do?
I received a phone call three days ago from a recruiter promising my ex a six figure job.
Should I tell my ex about the call?
I debated really hard about calling my ex and telling him.
In the end, I decided not to call my ex.
Calling him causes him to beg for money.
How do I know the telephone call wasn't initiated by my ex to hoover me into contact?
Uh.....I don't know.
Why is my ex putting my telephone number on his resume?
Creepy.....
There are more thoughts to ponder.....
Too much to think about.....
and few people that I trust.
Actually, I trust people too much, until they give me a reason not to trust them.
I don't trust the man who put his family up to stalking me.
*****
There are times when I wish that family court judges and lawmakers understood the games that controlling people play.
They treat children like commodities.
They make up excuses not to visit with the deluded belief that not visiting them means that they don't have to pay child support. They treat child support as a fee for use.
That's not the case.
That is how many abusive people see it.
I have no clue whether or not Michael is telling the truth about being homeless, broke, alcoholic, drug addicted or if he really and truly believes that he can only make $12 an hour.
It's probably just a ruse to get out of supporting his kids and to try to get money out of me or try to get back into my house and take control of my life again.
Contacting him is an open invitation for the stalking to begin again.
I know that if he has to pay child support, he'll use the courts to stalk and harass me. He'll run to the judge and claim alienation. That's the trick every abusive parent has up their sleeves.
They don't realize that the kids hate being abused, they blame the other parent for ruining their reputation.
He'll pick the emotional abuse of the kids up where he left off.
Kids aren't stupid.
Judges allow it. In fact, they allowed him to live here far too long after the divorce. Judges, corrupt lawmakers and other bureaucrats are the reason I don't trust the government to help people.
I'm better off just letting this guy play his little game.
He's only hurting himself.
I don't understand how people can treat their children this way.
They do it....without remorse.
*****
Should I help homeless kids when I can barely afford my own?
The strangest thought I had today was that I am tired of cleaning up messes created by other people.
I am very tired of taking in children who were thrown away by their parents.
The kiddo coming here next week is the product of a divorce. Her father doesn't help. Her mother is married to another woman who abandoned them.
The kiddo's mom is homeless. She won't tell me where she's going**.
I can't imagine setting a 19 year old out on the street in this economy.
Maybe I'm being judgmental. I work my patootie off to make sure my kiddos have a roof over their heads.
I'm about to give some private information to the local government for new gutters and a roof (which will probably be used to keep me quiet about their desire to hike taxes).
A woman has got to do what a woman has got to do.
My ex pretends to be an alcoholic so he doesn't have to pay child support. He tells me, to this very day, he has never touched drop of alcohol. I believe him. His doctors told us alcohol would kill him. He never failed a drug or alcohol screen when he worked for the trucking company.....but he sent a letter to my lawyer claiming to be in an alcohol rehab program for depression.
This is why he is off the hook for child support. According to the State of Colorado, alcoholics are exempt from child support.
I cant imagine why anyone would do so little for their children.
I probably don't think about parenthood like normal people.
This could be because my parents were idiots who drank themselves to death. They didn't die from the alcohol, per se. They died of the stupid crap people do when they drink.
Dad beat my mother to death on her 36th birthday.
Dad died playing Russian roulette with my baby sister two days after Christmas in 1987. My sister was fourteen. He barely missed her.
He's lucky the bullet found him before I got to him.
For many years, I thought I was scarred by my childhood. I was secretly jealous of other people for having it so easy.
Maybe.....I'm better off than most people because I learned the value of hard work by watching my parents' lazy ways.
Maybe.....I'm better off than people who grew up taking things and money for granted.
I should probably feel sorry for people who don't value their children.
I should honor the lesson from my foster siblings.
That lesson is that we create our own family.
We have an amazingly huge family and endless support.
I'm just adding to my extended family and returning the favors that people gave to me when I was younger.
I was lucky.
So many people helped me when I was a child. People I've never thanked. People who will never be forgotten. Some of these people never gave me their names.
Maybe I'll check in on some of them.
Just as many people never gave up on me,
I cannot give up on the young people the Gods send to me.
Do you want to know something funny?
Each and every one of them are Pagan.
There has to be something spiritual at play.
Perhaps I have learned the lessons I need to learn so that I can be there for people who need me.
I don't know.
There is just so much to ponder. I don't know how long it will take for me to understand what it is I'm supposed to do.
I'm sure things will make sense soon.
In the meantime, do as much good as you can as often as you can.
Love ya,
S.
Edit: It dawned on me that some may want to know why I help 18-19 year old teens. The reason is that there are no social programs for them.
Back when I was 'emancipated' (in quotes because I wasn't really emancipated, I just got tired of being abused as a kid so I "moved out" at the age of 17), foster kids did not get resources beyond their 18th birthday.
I couldn't even get into college as an in-state student because my parents were dead. College after college refused to consider me an in-state student because my parents hadn't paid taxes in many years (yeah....that's what happens when people die...surprising, I know....). It didn't matter than I worked and paid taxes since I was 16. My tax dollars were meaningless.
It was nothing that marriage couldn't solve. I married a man who was alive (shocker....I know) and thus paid taxes in the State of Colorado. It took a year but I finally got my in-state tuition.
Back in the day, a teenager could rent an apartment for $200 a month. At minimum wage, one could easily bring $200 home in a week.
Now, rents are around $1,300.00 a month for a small apartment.
That's more than most teenagers can bring home from a full time job in a month. If they are forced from their homes, they usually don't have the money needed to rent an apartment or a room.
They often haven't even graduated from high school. Sometimes, they just need a place to stay for a couple of months until they get into college, connect with a relative or enter a work study program.
A couple of months can make a big difference in the life of a young person.
I hope this makes sense.
I think the Gods bring LGBT youth to me because I owe the community
or maybe it is the ghost of one of the gay men who rescued me when I was an abused foster kid that sends them my way.
He was diagnosed with AIDS in 1987.
He used to tell me that when he died, he'd be a guardian angel for kids. He also promised to be an angel on my shoulder warning me about jerks so I wouldn't date them. He used to tell me that men could be the worst people to date.
He knew.
Sigh....I sure miss him.
Maybe he followed through with his promises.
I'd like to think that anyhow.
I have a crumpled old photo of him from 1992 (the year we lost him). I think I'll meditate to it tonight.
Love ya!
**Edit Three Days Later: Well....it turns out that the kiddo's mom isn't homeless. She's running off with a woman to a southern state and leaving her bewildered 19 year old behind. She basically dropped the kid off with nothing.
I'd ask my wonderful, charitable Christian friends for a nice twin bed for the kiddo -but- she's trans. I don't really want any ranting and raving in my house. Christians tend to be kind but they can misunderstand social issues sometimes.
I'm scrambling to find money for a bedroom set.
They've cut my hours down to 20 a week - so money is a tad bit tight.
I know that a miracle will happen.
If I ever get rich, I think I'll start a Pagan ministry to help people in need too afraid to reach out to Christians.
I have no idea what to call it.....I'll worry about that if I win the lotto.
You know what, I don't buy tickets so -that's not gonna happen.
Love ya lots,
S.
Edit a few days later - so it turns out the kiddo wasn't being very honest. The kiddo called my daughter and make a lot of demands, so many that I gave up trying to go to an activist rally in Boulder to deal with the fall-out.
I called to make sure her mother had a place to go. It turns out that the mom has a house on the other side of the country. Her daughter didn't want to go with her mother. Mother is going back to be with her wife (happy ending.....the end of any marriage is sad....so....there is good news).
Her daughter wanted me to allow her to smoke pot in my home. I can't do it. (1) I'm deathly allergic to cannabis and hemp. (2) I just signed a contract with the city promising to keep the stuff off my property (no biggie....I'm allergic.....that's an easy promise to make).
The kiddo is just 19, she's not old enough to buy it. I cannot buy it for her (for ethical and health considerations).
That one is a happy ending. My basement apartment sits empty. This is probably a good thing being that my income has dropped by 50%.
As sick as it sounds, I probably qualify for TANF now.
Libertarians avoid TANF, Food Stamps and all those other social programs. We have Medicaid because the government demands that we have health insurance (but, in all honesty, I don't like to use it.....when I found the breast lump, I used it for an office visit.....I don't know if I would have used it if I needed chemo.
Maybe.....they could have taken my home and sold it to repay the taxpayers.
I'm glad we didn't cross that road.
So much for working as a licensed health insurance agent or an advice rep at a major health care company, it doesn't help one get needed health insurance if they keep you at part time status.
Everything works out in the end, it really does.
Love ya,
S.