I can totally relate to the message at 1:27-1:34. As a child, I discovered that bass playing has always helped for some stupid reason.
I'm thankful for the ability to cope very well during a panic attack.
I started to have a panic around 3:30 this morning. It's nearly noon and it's ongoing.
It's like an old friend that I can barely tolerate coming to visit unexpectedly. This friend I haven't seen for about a year and half!
I can't figure out what the trigger was.
When this friend visits, I feel full of adrenaline. I swear my head feels like helicopter blades swirling 'round and 'round. I hear a swirling rhythmic sound in my ears.
This leads to massive headaches.
In the past it led to vertigo but now I can control it the point I just feel lightheaded for a few minutes.
My mouth gets dry and burns. My face goes numb.
I can still cope. I've gotten to the point of being able to control my energy and ground myself fairly quickly.
I've been able to work in these circumstances before.
I'm here typing this.
*****
At the time of the panic attack, it will seem that there is no trigger.
In the past, I'd quickly find that these events were triggered by property damage; a door jam that was broken, a busted window, a broken lock and that type of thing.
My working theory is that my subconscious picks up and registers property damage (even if my conscious mind doesn't). This is what leads to the panic attack.
It looks like I'll have to inspect my property this afternoon once things settle down.
*****
I had a little bit of a nightmare. It was a bizarre dream but it didn't make much sense.
I swear I dreamt that I was having a panic attack.
In the dream, I was riding a bus behind a lost elderly couple trying to go to my office building to see another business. We were riding the bus along and I promised to show them how to get to the building.
They spoke of their long term marriage as it was their anniversary. They had even brought along a picnic lunch with a cake. The wife had put a lot of care into the cake.
When the bus stopped at a light, a group of hoodlums stole their carefully packed lunch. One of the bullies took the cake and gleefully smeared it all over his face.
I asked the couple to leave with me. We'd call a cab and go to the office together since my office was at the same building.
As we got off of the bus, I uttered an impromtu Latin curse at the group, promising them a swift end to their antics.
They laughed, excited that they won the battle.
The bus took off as we watched the driver careen out of control finally going off of an embankment. We called the authorities and called a cab. The elderly man and his wife went over to help the brats that stole their food get out of the wrecked bus.
I awoke......with the beginnings of a panic attack.
I've never had one start with a dream before.
*****
I think the dream is about the socialist idiots that protested the Colorado capital yesterday dressed in red, wearing t-shirts wearing the fist of numerous Communist campaigns. These people don't believe that a $600 billion education budget is enough. They're trying to impose a new income tax on high income earners to the tune of $1.6 billion to fund the state's teacher retirement plan.
Yes, lawmakers earmarked an additional $35 million towards school safety. This is something few teachers knew. Strange...huh?
They're lying through their teeth. I had a teacher tell me that, yeah, she made $52,000 a year but she didn't think it counts as salary because she gives so much towards her retirement.
She thinks that the salary number that should count is the net amount, not the gross amount!
Um.....no.
How can educators be so out of touch with reality?
Some of them seem to be bad at civics and math.
Now, there is a push to make them exempt from all property and income taxes.
That is a day, I'd love to see. It's not going to happen.
The average student gets $13,000 per year in education funding in the state of Colorado. That's over a quarter of a million dollars per 20 students.
The money isn't making it into the classroom. I blame the school boards for mismanaging the money.
My buddy on the school board won't give me eye contact. He knows doesn't he? He knows where the problem lies.
That's okay. I'm sure there will be an audit some day, especially if the Communist cries continue long enough.
The teachers are trying to steal from other groups who depend on government help, people who do not have a union, people in true need.
They are going to crash the bus.
****
I thought about joining the city's elder commission. I was raised by my grandparents before they became sick and I was sent to foster care. I've volunteered for AARP (an insurance company) and helped people with Medicare for many years. My first interest was in social work before I realized that too many social workers don't understand psychology - so they don't truly understand how victimization and elder abuse can cause changes in the behavior of their clients - sad, huh?
The commissions won't allow me to join because.....I'm not a statist. I tried applying once and had a guy chase me down at a party wanting to know what I did to piss off the former mayor of Aurora. He was told to vote to reject my application because someone on the city council was mad at me.
Do you know what I did to piss him off? I told the truth. I wrote them letters and when the responses were obnoxious, I posted everything in a blog for the entire city to see.
That upset the City Attorney to the point that an outside law firm politely asked me to take it down.
Ha!
It is illegal for a government employer to dock someone's pay as a punishment for saying something their boss doesn't like.
There are few things I cannot tolerate:
1.) Liars
2.) Thieves
3.) Lawmakers who knowingly violate the law: Come on, if you make law you ought to set a good example for the people that YOU expect to follow it.
They can fill their committees and boards with yes men.
That's okay.
There is a silent but stewing majority in the shadows. If pushed enough, they won't be silent any more.
Love ya,
S.
Edit one month later: After years of this nonsense, I am beginning to think I was misdiagnosed with PTSD due to the "panic attacks" that make me struggle to breath, make my heart beat out of my chest and cause me to feel dizzy.
I had a few of these, once after eating something with msg in it. I had another when I smelled pot at a concert. The third one was when I left the window of my bedroom open. I am allergic to msg, pot, grass and the tree in the front yard.
When I take Allegra, the panic attack goes away. I can breath. My head stops spinning. My heart no longer beats hard in my chest.
I'm realizing that I will need to get my butt to an allergist the moment I can afford real health insurance. I may need to see a Behavioral Medicine Specialist as opposed to a trauma shrink, too.
Wow......
This is an amazing lesson. Second opinions are worth their weight in gold!