Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for a question. It's a simple question. A question I heard a lot in psychotherapeutic and social service circles. Where professionals would ask "Why won't battered women leave?" and then demand that lawmakers pass laws to force women to leave their abusers because they are sick of helping women get away only to find that they return. I am libertarian (small 'l'....the party isn't my cup of tea*). Laws hinder freedom and get in the way. In fact, in many situations, it is the rule of law that forces women to stay with their abusers/stalkers etc.. In fact, I'm living it right now. I've been stalked for over 24 years by people I didn't know.  It took a death in my ex husband's family for me to begin to recognize the faces that have hassled me for years. They are his relatives.  I recognized his sister.  I didn't know who her boyfriend or some of his cousins were. I only knew that the stalkers res...

Today I am thankful for a stupid lawyer. Well.... I think I am.  I'm not sure. The other day my lawyer told me that I could not get a restraining order because I'm not in danger. I don't understand. My ex-husband's family has been harassing me for over 24 years. Things in my house are broken...computers....phones.... Pets are killed.... I live with an ex who refuses to move out of the house.... who I catch in constant lies.... who has begun to yell and glare at me for trying to do chores.... and I'm not in danger. Alrighty then.... I am thinking of leaving my own house, losing all of the equity and letting my ex-husband take everything.... and taking the kids far away... but then I'm sure he'll find me..... Something isn't right here. He was court ordered out of the house nearly three years ago.... he won't pack or move... and I don't feel safe.... I still run into his relatives from time to time.... t...

Today I am thankful for a-ha moments. I wish I could say exactly what is going on.  I know my computer and phone have been hacked.  Simply typing what I know is revealing my hand, despite having heavy encryption on everything. He knows the hand I was about to deal. He quit his job today. That gives him a new excuse to stay in my house. I'm tired of the crap and of the games. I decided to turn everything over to a lawyer and let him deal with it. There was yelling today because I wanted to take out the trash.  When we were married, that was the one chore he did. I think I'm supposed to pretend we are married. The yelling and glaring scare me a little bit. I'm seriously realizing that I need a restraining order. I wanted to write about bully psychology and how they scare people into silence and into accepting their intrusions upon our boundaries. I'm too tired. Working two jobs is tough. I turned down a televi...

Today I am thankful that in the end nothing really matters. 100 years from now, none of this crap will matter.  Either we live or we die. Things are getting worse. I work a crazy shift on the weekends.  I chose this job because Michael was supposed to have the kids on the weekends. I'll come home in the wee hours of the morning and find the garage door open. Now, my friends tell me that I need to call the cops when I find the house wide open in the middle of the night. I don't because I'm sure they'll claim my ex left the door open. So far, the cops don't really help very much. They won't listen to the creepy messages, or track down the IP addresses from the hacking attempts (even if a quick Google search shows the IP address to be in Westminster or Thornton). They just tell me to change my phone number and stop using social media. I don't bother them anymore. I try to solve the problem myself. My ex says he doesn't forge...

Today I am thankful that I am well aware of my insecurities. I cannot get involved with anyone. I avoid my friends. I don't want them sucked into the drama. I avoid my relatives for the same reason. I avoid my neighbors (except the one who has fallen ill....let's just say that he had hip surgery and the medications have been known to cause depression and suicidal ideation). I avoid the men that I know have feelings for me. A dear friend told me that he loved me. I couldn't say a word.  I just sobbed silently as he wheeled away. He deserves so much better. I put on 20 pounds in the past ten years.  I think it has to do with the lack of sex.  I'm not in a position to do anything about the lack of sex. Living like this is hell.  It feels like hell. I doubt that I'm pretty.  I am actually thinking about cosmetic surgery.  My uncle is a cosmetic surgeon. I've never let myself go under the knife. But maybe.....my appearance is why ...

Today I am thankful for YouTube. Despite the copyright trolls taking down all of my hypnosis videos because they claim they own my voice and the sounds of the birds I recorded in my backyard, I am thankful for YouTube. Actually, I'm more thankful for the content producers who are not bullied off of YouTube. They've helped me quite a bit. I've been through four phones in the past month or so. I had an LG-G3.  This one got so bad that I couldn't use Google Play.  Then I did a factory reset and found I couldn't get online. I gave it to someone else and it worked fine for them. I had a LG flip phone.  This one just ceased working one day.  It wouldn't make outbound calls. I had a Blu Smartphone.  This one also ceased to work.  I don't know what happened.  It's almost as though it got wet. I am using a very cheap Alcatel Touch to get me by while I figure out what to do. This one runs hot even when I'm not using it. I bought ...