Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful that I am a political activist. I started my activism due to abuses that I personally witnessed in the public school system.  Yep, I had a teacher set me in his lap and grab my crotch.  I saw many of my classmates sexually abused by my fourth grade teacher.  His name was Mr. Kogan.  I don't think he has ever won parole. He threatened me and told me not to tell my parents.  I did what my daddy said to do.  He said that "do not tell" was a secret code for "tell".  So, I told my Native American step-father what the teacher tried to do to me.  The school did not want to help, so my daddy went to see the teacher and threatened to scalp him.  That teacher never touched me again.  That stuck with me.  ***** When I was older and had kids, I witnessed absurd things happening to children of color.  I once saw my neighbor's young son dangled by the ankles by a white teacher. When I ...

Today I may or may not be thankful for crazy internet personalities. I think the jury is still out with regard to one person.  I think this man and I met on a stalking page at Google+ a couple of years ago.  This guy used to have great ideas for keeping Shannon at bay.  He told me to buy a bar for the front door.  He mentioned switching the locks and had various other ideas to help me.  This man is fairly young. He's also a voice over artist, like I am. For some reason, he's been copying and sharing my statuses on Facebook every day for about three months. Some of my status updates are incredibly personal. At first, I didn't mind. I don't know what to think now.  I have to say that he is NOT a Facebook friend. He does not follow me on Facebook, Google, Twitter, or any other social network. He simply copies and shares my stuff.  I get a little notification every time he shares and likes something. Lately, he's star...

Today I am thankful psychology research: I understand why all my failed relationships died. My marriages died because the men were not there for me. The guy I was with just a few months was not there for me when I lay in the hospital with a 50% chance of dying after he beat me with a hammer. He thought I was faking. The other man was never there when his family was stalking me. He also chose to leave me alone when I was in labor; after he wanted me induced to schedule the delivery around his schedule and forbidding the doctors from giving me pain relief. I felt betrayed by each of them. In the end, I just wanted them gone.   Wow....this is enlightening. ***** Steve and I typically break up when I am unavailable to him.  Typically it is because my phone was left somewhere for days at a time or I need a break from the drama. You know, I think he's always been there for me. When I ran for office, Steve was there for me...

Today I am thankful that I can be alone in an attempt to heal myself. I was very happy today.  I went to a seminar. Someone told me about my dream job. I was scheming ways to teach.  I made a list of all the new software I wanted to learn so I could give awesome presentations. I was excited. I was happy.  I came home.  My ex-husband gave me $1,100 from the account he was supposed to sign over to me. I borrowed that amount from someone to repair my car.  He wanted me to pay it back.  He thinks that if I give this money to the person I borrowed it from, I will cut off the relationship. I have the means to pay it back handled. Well....it turns out my ex-husband raided that account yet again.  He wouldn't tell me how much he took out.  He won't give me the receipt. I told him to estimate how much money he took out since our divorce and give me a plan to pay it back.  It turns out that he adm...

Today I am thankful for the opportunity to write a book.   I was contacted by someone asking me to consider writing a book.  He would edit it.  He claimed it would help me advertise and build my brand. I don't know what I'd write about.  He told me to look at my life experience and training. Hmmmmm......I don't know what I would write about.    Erotic Hypnosis?   Overcoming the fallout from Domestic Violence?   Overcoming the anxiety created by a stalker (or would that be domestic violence, too)?   Sigh.....those are things in my life that I screwed up royally.  I've made a ton of mistakes that I'm learning how to overcome. Do not hypnotise yourself to cum upon seeing the color lime green or you'll inadvertently sit with a hot old flame (who looks pretty darn good in a kilt) while sipping coffee in a floral art gallary. He lives in San Francisco.  I'm not what he wants....

Today I am thankful for the final straw. It was Facebook.  I accepted Steve's friend request the other day. Even after not having the argument from Saturday resolved, I made the mistake of accepting his friend request. That was a big mistake.  I logged in this evening. Right in front of my eyes is an advertisement. Steve [his last name] likes [brand] dating service. Okay....I unfollowed him.  I don't want to see that stuff. That wasn't the last straw.  I wrote to him to tell him that friending him was a mistake and asking permission to defriend him. He starts to play the game where he claims that his phone won't let him read my messages. I wrote that I would just block him and be done with it. He saw that and got defensive. So....I'm tired. Why invest time and energy into a relationship with someone who plays games, censors your speech and is hell bent on replacing you anyway? It gets old.  Love, S.

Today I am thankful for taking time to decide what I want. I had a horrible morning on Saturday.  I am NOT sure I want to talk about it.  It was about someone wanting to have an argument then misreading what I said, giving me the silent treatment, then complaining that he doesn't like certain words said in his house. This, of course, makes me NOT want to ever visit his house. I wound up leaving without resolving the issue.  To tell the truth, I am NOT sure why I feel like I need to run off from this guy.  I think it is that we are incompatible.  He doesn't believe in incompatibility. Perhaps incompatibility is a synonym for uncomfortable.  I am uncomfortable.  Since, Steve does not buy into incompatibility, I have to define it.  I have to define exactly what makes me uncomfortable. I spend a lot of time trying to define the problems. I think I spend a lot of time not saying what I want to say for fear of getting mad...