Today I am thankful that I have a bizarre way of seeing the world in which we live.
I think the lack of REM sleep is messing with my perception. Driving to work yesterday, I caught a glance of myself in the rear view mirror and didn't see green or brown eyes.
My eyes were yellow! They weren't glowing -but- my pupils were yellow!!
Never seen that before. When they thought I had a liver tumor, the whites of my eyes were yellow.
My pupils have never been yellow!
Maybe the road rage and shitty driving in Denver is turning me to the dark side.
Hmmmm.......
*****
I've been a little bit weirded out for the past few months.
The past three weeks have been a tad bit comically disturbing.
It started with strange feedback from my boss.
(Sorry....had an emergency and had to log out....I guess it's time that I finish that thought....).
About two weeks ago, I was called into a meeting with my boss; lovely lady, super smart, and I suspect she does miraculous things with the pittance she gets from corporate.
I can sense she cares for people deeply.
Ever meet those people with the stern exterior and the ultra soft center? Some of those people think they have to get extra tough on the outside because they seem to believe that everyone sees them for who they truly are.
I met a couple of retired Denver Broncos who act that like.
It's not due to head injuries. It's just their nature.
My boss is like that.
This meeting was very bizarre.
It started out as a conversation about my energy.
I was informed my energy made a couple of people (patients and colleagues alike) uncomfortable.
When I asked what it was about my energy that made people uncomfortable,
She had no answer.
When I asked if it were impacting my performance.
She said "yes."
When I asked how my performance was being impacted, I was given no answer.
She said that I never fit in at this job or the one I had prior to the job I hold now.
She asked if anything had happened in my life to impact my mood.
I just told her that people I was close to died.
I didn't say I lost 20 people in nine months and have a friend dying of kidney failure and that I am not a match.
I just told her people died. I could be depressed. I've got meds. I looked at her in such a way to say that if she goes much further with the conversation, she'd be in red legal territory.
Her retort was that people that she knows have died, too.
Then she wanted to know about the practicum I need to do and why I have an issue doing one at no pay with the company I work for full time.
I didn't tell her that Colorado Wage and Hour told me to hire an attorney. I told her she may want to look into the recent law changes regarding internships. You cannot have an employee sign up to work 20 extra hours per week at no pay without being at risk of a lawsuit (and thus paying out fines, overtime and interest). I won't do anything that would put her in that situation.
I think we agreed to disagree. She doesn't know this but if I sign a contract, I will honor it. I won't sign anything that could put an entity I care about at risk. Those new laws are born out of the government not wanting to be cheated out of payroll taxes.
Me? I can get a practicum anywhere. Besides, yesterday I was informed I need to go back into private practice to get what I need to qualify for licensure within the next five months. Not sure how that is going to look.
Getting back to the meeting, I left with the notion that I was acting depressed.
She told me to put on a happy face.
Seriously? If there is ever a group of people who can read other people, it is people in recovery.
I'd rather be authentic.
I decided to amp up my "energy" rather than pretend to be enthusiastic.
This was done by going back on the Adderall and drinking several cans of Bing each day.
*****
Nine days later, I'm working on the weekend. It's a busy day. We had new patients, one of whom seems to be a hypochondriac and wanting my colleague to break a lot of rules and do a lot of things that wouldn't really help.
I'm not a nurse.
I know a beautiful nurse at the last place I worked. She's the one that inspired me to adopt Houston.
I called her.
The nurse and her CNA helped me help the patient understand that what was wanted wasn't necessary.
They told me they missed me. I asked about my "energy" and mentioned that I had a complaint about it.
I was told that they didn't see depressed energy in me. I worked too hard.
They'd welcome me back with open arms.
Later in the day, my colleague started to complain about my "energy." I was in a rush. My energy felt "anxious" to her and it stressed her out.
At that point, I identified the source of the complaints.
I started to laugh.
That was when I told her that I had a complaint about my "energy" and was led to believe that it was due to my acting depressed. With that in mind, I'd been hyping myself up on caffeine, ginseng, an old school antidepressant and a prescribed amphetamine (those were the prescription medications I stopped taking in November because I didn't like how they made me feel.)
Now, I totally hyped myself and was stressing her out!!!
I told her that when she's a boss to remember that if she complains about someone's energy, she ought to define the problem or else risking it compounding.
The next day, she figured out what I was trying to say.
I didn't take the drugs. I didn't drink the Bing.
I was boring old Siegfred with yellow-green (non-glowing) eyes.
Perhaps those energy drinks are evil (just teasing).
I probably just need to change my eye make-up or get colored contact lenses.
Sith eyes would make anyone uncomfortable.
Love ya lots,
S.