Today I am thankful for realizations and revelations.
In June, my ex wanted me to drop everything and drag the kids out to a theater. I called him to try to talk to him about a static visitation schedule. He's only had one visit since he was court ordered out of my house for the second time.
It was at a theater.
The visit ended fairly abruptly after the movie. I was under the impression that he would visit with them over dinner and take a walk with them. I had allotted the entire afternoon or the visit.
It was over well before the two hour mark. I was still at my eye appointment and my eyes were dilated so I wasn't ready to drive. A local teenager drove out to pick them up as he had left them in a parking lot.
That's not something I want to repeat.
In that conversation, I asked to exchange income information as per our divorce agreement and he refused. In his refusal, he accused me of stalking. He stated that I called his workplace with crazy stories in an attempt to get him fired. He didn't want to share his income information out of fear that I'd harass him at work.
There was one June day in 2015 when someone banged on the door, set fire to something on the porch, turned on the water house and cut it. They also broke apart little dolls I had gracing the herb garden in the front of the house.
That last bit still goes on to this day - This year I had metal and glass flowers decorating the herb garden: They were cut last week.
My ex-husband refused to move from my house. He claimed that he traveled 90% of the time for business and only wanted to sleep there a few nights a month. He bought a security camera for the front window that piped a live feed into his phone - he had access to our activities and private conversations.
I only agreed to this because we had a stalking event at least twice a month (often more) and I wanted to catch the perp on camera.
He claimed it was his sister. Then he claimed his sister died in January 2015.
Even though she was allegedly dead, the shenanigans continued.
I called him during that June incident to ask that he send me a snippet of the video.
Of course, he couldn't do that.
He was allegedly in California and flew home the next day. I was not expecting that.
He was fired a month later. I don't know why he was fired.
This was the second time he was fired in six years. Over the course of the next year, he also became a licensed insurance agent and I funded his business trips, gave him my mini-van, and paid his auto insurance in an effort to help him get on his feet.
He didn't take care of the van. When it died, he wanted my car. After the bullsh!t with the gps box that was found on my mini-van prior to our divorce, I wasn't going to give him my car.
He claims he was fired from the third job because I wouldn't give him my car.
He's gotten his child support lowered because he submitted a letter to my former lawyer stating that he was in an alcohol and drug rehab program. Numerous lawyers have told me that I should have known he was a drinker and any judge would agree to lower his child support to $0.
I couldn't afford the legal fees. I agreed to gut his support. The state wants to make me responsible for the health insurance and all fees connected to health.
This is why I am not doing the work I was trained to do, rather I am taking a call center job at my favorite health care company trying to get the insurance for the kids.
It's not going to happen.....the company is losing money. They keep extending the time frame that I have to wait for insurance. At first it was three months, now it will be a year.
I'm only working to get insurance. I realized that I need to start looking for another job.
Of course, my ex now states that he never touches drugs or alcohol. I've never seen him partake either.
I don't know who he is.
I truly do not know if he was fired for his own behavior. He worked in the trucking industry, they do random drug tests - maybe he failed? I don't know.
I do know that I never once called his boss. I have NEVER tried to get him fired from any job.
Yeah, I'll admit I felt sorry for him but I am no longer in the position of fixing his problems for him. In fact, he's created a few problems for me that I need to solve.
His creditors are calling my business line five to six times per day. I received one message asking for him. After that, I've gotten a slew of hang up calls.
It's getting exhausting.
Something must have hit my credit so I'm going to have to get a copy of the report to see what is up. As far as I know, I'm current on all of my bills.
I'm too busy to mess with him.
*******
I found myself pondering how it felt to box up his stuff at work.
Then I realized that I had been in that position numerous times.
I lost an apartment after his mother and sister harassed my landlord.
In '92 his cousin would call me at work incessantly. I felt pressured to find a new job.
In '94, someone told my Christian boss that I was having sex out of wedlock. He started to write me up when I had the stomach flu. I wasn't allowed to take a day off but he thought I was pregnant when I got ill in the bathroom. The last write up session included a chastisement about an abortion I never had.
Fortunately, I found a job at a saddle shop, my boss was a cowboy who ignored the crap. My sister-in-law took a bunch of whips and spurs without paying for them. Thankfully, I took an inventory of everything she grabbed and was able to pay for it after she left.
I wound up losing that job three years later when my ex took my money and bought a house away from any bus line. It didn't take very long for him to start taking my vehicle without my permission. I chose to quit rather than make my boss scramble for a temp.
I choose to volunteer for the District Attorney. This would be different because the office was a straight shot from my house. Car or not, I could get there! Alas....one of his friends was a wife beater, child murderer and he'd harass me at the new gig (can't imagine how he knew I worked there). I wound up leaving when my boss had called me and my ex stood behind me raging into the phone.
I had to give up my therapist office in my favorite part of town (it was literally the pharmacist office at the drug store I used to frequent with my old friend in high school as a kid). I gave it up after my office mate said people were coming around during her business hours to ask about me and Doug (my sister-in-law's fiancé) roughed up the billing clerk. They were too scared to file a report with the police. Those were hard boxes to pack.
After the divorce, my ex refused to leave. I literally had bug out bags packed for myself and the kids. There were times I'd have to use them due to the freaky rage attacks.
In sum.....
I HAVE had the experience of boxing up my stuff to leave jobs and homes I've loved due to harassment.
It's not a good feeling.
I realize now that he's only experienced a few times in his life and it was probably due to his own behavior.
My sympathy has turned to empathy.
I can't afford to continue to pay for his stalking, or pranks, or whatever the heck they want to call it.
********************
The stalking has made me wiser.
It has been a horrible experience and I never thought it could be useful.
There a man I'm incredibly worried about. I've blogged about him before. People have tried to set us up -but- it's the religious thing.
He's a devout Christian.
I'm a devout deviant.
It just would not work.
I've known him for twelve years.
He's amazing. He's saved me from the bees that flock to my red hair at public events. He chewed out a lawmaker he caught telling me that stalked women should never have firearms. He tried to support my business, help me get insurance when my ex refused to cooperate with the divorce decree and even helped support my journey to get health insurance licenses.
He's big on rescuing animals.
I don't get out much any more. I keep in touch with everyone online. He'd been posting some worrying things about a person in the neighborhood acting strangely.
The more he wrote, the more worried I got.
I tried to keep my mouth shut as it just got worse and worse. I thought that maybe my fear was due to my situation and what I was possibly reading into his.
It got to the point that my worry was overwhelming so I finally asked him to go the police. He refused.
Well....it wasn't very long before someone in law enforcement got wind of what was going on. Let just say my friend is not safe.
Things are worse that I imagined.
In not in a place where I can help him.
Sigh....
This has taught me to try to take that crappy experience of being harassed and stalked since 1992 and turn it around into a experience that I can use to help others. This is part of the reason I'm back in school. I'd like to be certified in helping domestic violence victims and perpetrators.
I often felt that I had no one to talk to who would understand. I still think of that licensed counselor who told me that married women should not talk to men. I tried to laugh it off, asking her if I was supposed to use smoke signals to communicate with the men I ran against during a political campaign.
She didn't answer.
She's probably the reason I'm terrified to date. Dating leads to marriage. Married women, allegedly, cannot talk to men at work or in the political arena. I'll find another therapist to work on my fear of dating.
That therapist was unhealthy. She also told me about her mother's murder at the hands of her father. She didn't believe me when I told her that I also had a master's in psych and tried to caution her about self-disclosure. I told her clinical supervisor. I realize now that I should have just gone to DORA but I didn't want to risk my situation being made public (due to the stalking).
That sad thing was that the next therapist was horrible, too. He claimed I was lying about the stalking and that I could lock my ex out of the house legally if I truly wanted to end the problem. Um....no. I was told time and time again that changing the locks would be an illegal eviction. I had to wait until my ex started to turn over the money awarded to me in the divorce so I could afford to hire a lawyer to get him out. That process took nearly three YEARS! He still owes me money from the bank accounts, too.
Sigh.....
The next therapist believed me and we worked on safety issues: new anonymous job, new gadgets, new car, alarms all over the place, pepper spray, safety plans for the kids and those types of things.
It would seem that there is a need for people who understand stalking. Maybe I can turn my horrible nightmare into a positive for someone else.
I've also learned that I need to get my house in order so that I can be there for people I care about. Stalking can cause people to leave their homes and offices for a period of time. I can't let a friend stay here. The problem isn't a lack of space. The problem is that I haven't yet cleaned out the entire mess my ex-husband left.
I have a basement apartment that is in disarray (with radon - getting a mitigation system). It wouldn't be too bad to let someone have that key when it is habitable.
I'm off to do some cleaning.
I may have to find a private loan - just not sure if I can qualify. I'd prefer a private solution to a government one.
The last time I tried to get a loan my income was too low. I'll keep searching.
The local government has offered to help me with a perplexing issue.
I've got to cut down a tree on the property line. The last owner was a jerk. He tore down my fence and put a really ugly one up about 18" from the property line. That left his dying tree in my yard.
He sold the house. This new guy is the gun toting neighbor. He scares the hell out of me. He and wife scream into my yard when people are outside (me, the kids, the pest control guy....). He has pulled a gun on people parking in front of my house because he claims they are too close to his yard (yeah....the cops don't care). His wife has gone so far to harass me online (cute....like I'm not accustomed to that already due to my ex's family).
It is to the point that I fear for his wife and kids. I think she acts crazy because she's trying to keep him happy. He seems a tad bit controlling. He has a firearm and, apparently, a lack of respect for the rights of others and local gun laws.
I don't want him to know that the tree is on the property line. I want to get it out of there without him being responsible for it in any way.
I don't want him involved.
I just got a call from the city. They want to tear down his fence...…it is against code. It was put up in 2007. I called the city when my former neighbor was putting it up and they told me to let it go.
I did.
It's not the new guy's fault.
Well...…
This is going to get interesting, isn't it?
It's obvious the fence is his because it is several inches away from the logs this guy uses to gauge his property line.
He's going to go into a rage if they tear down his fence. If he has to pay any money towards repair or rebuilding, he is going to go insane. I hear him talk about having to have two jobs to support the family. Money is a stressor for him.
Maybe I should just cut the city out of the tree issue entirely.
I'm going to try to get another loan so I can hire another company to cut down the tree.
It's not worth the potential bullet holes or the possible crime scene tape if this guy goes off like a firework.
I'm not afraid for my safety. I'm afraid for his wife, three kids and two dogs.
I'll let you know how it goes.
*****
Disordered people are all around us.
It's up to us to stay safe and protect ourselves without inviting attention from people who are prone to act out against others.
If you're in that situation, reach out. There are people who have been there. It may take a few tries but eventually you'll find someone.
The best help I have received has from the Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence (many states have a DV coalition).
The city DV program.....uh....they gave out misinformation. They're staffed by volunteers so it's hard to expect perfection. Perhaps someday I'll be in a position to volunteer there after I get my licenses.
Love ya,
S.
In June, my ex wanted me to drop everything and drag the kids out to a theater. I called him to try to talk to him about a static visitation schedule. He's only had one visit since he was court ordered out of my house for the second time.
It was at a theater.
The visit ended fairly abruptly after the movie. I was under the impression that he would visit with them over dinner and take a walk with them. I had allotted the entire afternoon or the visit.
It was over well before the two hour mark. I was still at my eye appointment and my eyes were dilated so I wasn't ready to drive. A local teenager drove out to pick them up as he had left them in a parking lot.
That's not something I want to repeat.
In that conversation, I asked to exchange income information as per our divorce agreement and he refused. In his refusal, he accused me of stalking. He stated that I called his workplace with crazy stories in an attempt to get him fired. He didn't want to share his income information out of fear that I'd harass him at work.
There was one June day in 2015 when someone banged on the door, set fire to something on the porch, turned on the water house and cut it. They also broke apart little dolls I had gracing the herb garden in the front of the house.
That last bit still goes on to this day - This year I had metal and glass flowers decorating the herb garden: They were cut last week.
My ex-husband refused to move from my house. He claimed that he traveled 90% of the time for business and only wanted to sleep there a few nights a month. He bought a security camera for the front window that piped a live feed into his phone - he had access to our activities and private conversations.
I only agreed to this because we had a stalking event at least twice a month (often more) and I wanted to catch the perp on camera.
He claimed it was his sister. Then he claimed his sister died in January 2015.
Even though she was allegedly dead, the shenanigans continued.
I called him during that June incident to ask that he send me a snippet of the video.
Of course, he couldn't do that.
He was allegedly in California and flew home the next day. I was not expecting that.
He was fired a month later. I don't know why he was fired.
This was the second time he was fired in six years. Over the course of the next year, he also became a licensed insurance agent and I funded his business trips, gave him my mini-van, and paid his auto insurance in an effort to help him get on his feet.
He didn't take care of the van. When it died, he wanted my car. After the bullsh!t with the gps box that was found on my mini-van prior to our divorce, I wasn't going to give him my car.
He claims he was fired from the third job because I wouldn't give him my car.
He's gotten his child support lowered because he submitted a letter to my former lawyer stating that he was in an alcohol and drug rehab program. Numerous lawyers have told me that I should have known he was a drinker and any judge would agree to lower his child support to $0.
I couldn't afford the legal fees. I agreed to gut his support. The state wants to make me responsible for the health insurance and all fees connected to health.
This is why I am not doing the work I was trained to do, rather I am taking a call center job at my favorite health care company trying to get the insurance for the kids.
It's not going to happen.....the company is losing money. They keep extending the time frame that I have to wait for insurance. At first it was three months, now it will be a year.
I'm only working to get insurance. I realized that I need to start looking for another job.
Of course, my ex now states that he never touches drugs or alcohol. I've never seen him partake either.
I don't know who he is.
I truly do not know if he was fired for his own behavior. He worked in the trucking industry, they do random drug tests - maybe he failed? I don't know.
I do know that I never once called his boss. I have NEVER tried to get him fired from any job.
Yeah, I'll admit I felt sorry for him but I am no longer in the position of fixing his problems for him. In fact, he's created a few problems for me that I need to solve.
His creditors are calling my business line five to six times per day. I received one message asking for him. After that, I've gotten a slew of hang up calls.
It's getting exhausting.
Something must have hit my credit so I'm going to have to get a copy of the report to see what is up. As far as I know, I'm current on all of my bills.
I'm too busy to mess with him.
*******
I found myself pondering how it felt to box up his stuff at work.
Then I realized that I had been in that position numerous times.
I lost an apartment after his mother and sister harassed my landlord.
In '92 his cousin would call me at work incessantly. I felt pressured to find a new job.
In '94, someone told my Christian boss that I was having sex out of wedlock. He started to write me up when I had the stomach flu. I wasn't allowed to take a day off but he thought I was pregnant when I got ill in the bathroom. The last write up session included a chastisement about an abortion I never had.
Fortunately, I found a job at a saddle shop, my boss was a cowboy who ignored the crap. My sister-in-law took a bunch of whips and spurs without paying for them. Thankfully, I took an inventory of everything she grabbed and was able to pay for it after she left.
I wound up losing that job three years later when my ex took my money and bought a house away from any bus line. It didn't take very long for him to start taking my vehicle without my permission. I chose to quit rather than make my boss scramble for a temp.
I choose to volunteer for the District Attorney. This would be different because the office was a straight shot from my house. Car or not, I could get there! Alas....one of his friends was a wife beater, child murderer and he'd harass me at the new gig (can't imagine how he knew I worked there). I wound up leaving when my boss had called me and my ex stood behind me raging into the phone.
I had to give up my therapist office in my favorite part of town (it was literally the pharmacist office at the drug store I used to frequent with my old friend in high school as a kid). I gave it up after my office mate said people were coming around during her business hours to ask about me and Doug (my sister-in-law's fiancé) roughed up the billing clerk. They were too scared to file a report with the police. Those were hard boxes to pack.
After the divorce, my ex refused to leave. I literally had bug out bags packed for myself and the kids. There were times I'd have to use them due to the freaky rage attacks.
In sum.....
I HAVE had the experience of boxing up my stuff to leave jobs and homes I've loved due to harassment.
It's not a good feeling.
I realize now that he's only experienced a few times in his life and it was probably due to his own behavior.
My sympathy has turned to empathy.
I can't afford to continue to pay for his stalking, or pranks, or whatever the heck they want to call it.
********************
The stalking has made me wiser.
It has been a horrible experience and I never thought it could be useful.
There a man I'm incredibly worried about. I've blogged about him before. People have tried to set us up -but- it's the religious thing.
He's a devout Christian.
I'm a devout deviant.
It just would not work.
I've known him for twelve years.
He's amazing. He's saved me from the bees that flock to my red hair at public events. He chewed out a lawmaker he caught telling me that stalked women should never have firearms. He tried to support my business, help me get insurance when my ex refused to cooperate with the divorce decree and even helped support my journey to get health insurance licenses.
He's big on rescuing animals.
I don't get out much any more. I keep in touch with everyone online. He'd been posting some worrying things about a person in the neighborhood acting strangely.
The more he wrote, the more worried I got.
I tried to keep my mouth shut as it just got worse and worse. I thought that maybe my fear was due to my situation and what I was possibly reading into his.
It got to the point that my worry was overwhelming so I finally asked him to go the police. He refused.
Well....it wasn't very long before someone in law enforcement got wind of what was going on. Let just say my friend is not safe.
Things are worse that I imagined.
In not in a place where I can help him.
Sigh....
This has taught me to try to take that crappy experience of being harassed and stalked since 1992 and turn it around into a experience that I can use to help others. This is part of the reason I'm back in school. I'd like to be certified in helping domestic violence victims and perpetrators.
I often felt that I had no one to talk to who would understand. I still think of that licensed counselor who told me that married women should not talk to men. I tried to laugh it off, asking her if I was supposed to use smoke signals to communicate with the men I ran against during a political campaign.
She didn't answer.
She's probably the reason I'm terrified to date. Dating leads to marriage. Married women, allegedly, cannot talk to men at work or in the political arena. I'll find another therapist to work on my fear of dating.
That therapist was unhealthy. She also told me about her mother's murder at the hands of her father. She didn't believe me when I told her that I also had a master's in psych and tried to caution her about self-disclosure. I told her clinical supervisor. I realize now that I should have just gone to DORA but I didn't want to risk my situation being made public (due to the stalking).
That sad thing was that the next therapist was horrible, too. He claimed I was lying about the stalking and that I could lock my ex out of the house legally if I truly wanted to end the problem. Um....no. I was told time and time again that changing the locks would be an illegal eviction. I had to wait until my ex started to turn over the money awarded to me in the divorce so I could afford to hire a lawyer to get him out. That process took nearly three YEARS! He still owes me money from the bank accounts, too.
Sigh.....
The next therapist believed me and we worked on safety issues: new anonymous job, new gadgets, new car, alarms all over the place, pepper spray, safety plans for the kids and those types of things.
It would seem that there is a need for people who understand stalking. Maybe I can turn my horrible nightmare into a positive for someone else.
I've also learned that I need to get my house in order so that I can be there for people I care about. Stalking can cause people to leave their homes and offices for a period of time. I can't let a friend stay here. The problem isn't a lack of space. The problem is that I haven't yet cleaned out the entire mess my ex-husband left.
I have a basement apartment that is in disarray (with radon - getting a mitigation system). It wouldn't be too bad to let someone have that key when it is habitable.
I'm off to do some cleaning.
I may have to find a private loan - just not sure if I can qualify. I'd prefer a private solution to a government one.
The last time I tried to get a loan my income was too low. I'll keep searching.
The local government has offered to help me with a perplexing issue.
I've got to cut down a tree on the property line. The last owner was a jerk. He tore down my fence and put a really ugly one up about 18" from the property line. That left his dying tree in my yard.
He sold the house. This new guy is the gun toting neighbor. He scares the hell out of me. He and wife scream into my yard when people are outside (me, the kids, the pest control guy....). He has pulled a gun on people parking in front of my house because he claims they are too close to his yard (yeah....the cops don't care). His wife has gone so far to harass me online (cute....like I'm not accustomed to that already due to my ex's family).
It is to the point that I fear for his wife and kids. I think she acts crazy because she's trying to keep him happy. He seems a tad bit controlling. He has a firearm and, apparently, a lack of respect for the rights of others and local gun laws.
I don't want him to know that the tree is on the property line. I want to get it out of there without him being responsible for it in any way.
I don't want him involved.
I just got a call from the city. They want to tear down his fence...…it is against code. It was put up in 2007. I called the city when my former neighbor was putting it up and they told me to let it go.
I did.
It's not the new guy's fault.
Well...…
This is going to get interesting, isn't it?
It's obvious the fence is his because it is several inches away from the logs this guy uses to gauge his property line.
He's going to go into a rage if they tear down his fence. If he has to pay any money towards repair or rebuilding, he is going to go insane. I hear him talk about having to have two jobs to support the family. Money is a stressor for him.
Maybe I should just cut the city out of the tree issue entirely.
I'm going to try to get another loan so I can hire another company to cut down the tree.
It's not worth the potential bullet holes or the possible crime scene tape if this guy goes off like a firework.
I'm not afraid for my safety. I'm afraid for his wife, three kids and two dogs.
I'll let you know how it goes.
*****
Disordered people are all around us.
It's up to us to stay safe and protect ourselves without inviting attention from people who are prone to act out against others.
If you're in that situation, reach out. There are people who have been there. It may take a few tries but eventually you'll find someone.
The best help I have received has from the Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence (many states have a DV coalition).
The city DV program.....uh....they gave out misinformation. They're staffed by volunteers so it's hard to expect perfection. Perhaps someday I'll be in a position to volunteer there after I get my licenses.
Love ya,
S.