Today I am curious about the subconscious messages my mind is trying to share in my dreams.
Of late, I've had dreams that I am transported into an alternate universe at night.
It's an interesting environment to dream about.
The dreams always start with me riding in a super speed rain train where I'm staring out the windows and marveling at the teal and white rocky mountains....
the people sitting next to me don't understand my shock.
I tell them that the mountains I'm used to are purple....
they laugh.
The lakes in the dreams are purple.
The grass is silver.
The cities look nearly the same.
In these dreams,
shopping is interesting.
I had a dream of visiting a Macy's where I walked past a display of Madonna brand perfume, her picture had glowing blue robotic eyes which emanated from her face.
I looked around and noticed some teens have adopted the style. In my dream world, robotic eyes are a thing.
One wonders if robotic eyes prevent people from seeing the humanity around them. Perhaps this is a statement of the way we have grown accustomed to conversing via technology.
The clothes are nicer in my dreams, though. There are browns, oranges, reds, yellows and warm hues, the kind of clothes I actually like to wear.
They clothes fairly conservative rather than the slutty clothes one tends to find in the malls now.
At least I dress well in my dreams.
In these dreams I am cognizant of my life in this world and find myself wanting to find people long gone....
I want to find my mother and father in this alternative universe in the hopes that they are still alive in this world. I wonder what they would look like as senior citizens.
I wonder if I have any siblings.
In the last dream, I picked up a locket and find myself wondering if the Tom in this world was lucky enough to escape meeting me.…
and then I realized that...
there was probably another one of me in that universe which would double the odds of annoying him.
The dreams typically end with the thought that no world could possibly handle two of me and that it was time for me to go home.
*****
For the past thirteen years or so, I've pondered that whole unfinished business thing and the bizarre connection where I'd dream of Tom and he'd show up.
It's crazy.
It's one thing when it's only in my head. That makes it my mental issue. It makes it fantasy.
It's another when the things in my head manifest in real life.
That can be a tad bit freaky.
In most of the dreams I've had of him, I've run away.
The last dream, I did not run away from him: I ran away with him.
That freaked me out a little bit.
In the real world, that seems to translate to me avoiding my home town and any environmental stimuli that reminds me of my youth.
A couple of weeks ago, I turned down a job in my home town working with disabled adults. It paid fairly well for an internship.
In fact, I'm finding myself avoiding my home town again. I'm spending more time in the small towns in the southern side of the state.
There are some wonderful internships and jobs in my home town. I should pursue them.
I probably won't.
*****
What am I really running away from?
It's almost as if I'm trying to forget.
It took some pondering but I'm hopeful that I stumbled on the meaning. If I understand the meaning, the dreams will stop.
I think all the dreams were about reminding me that I'm capable of loving people even if they're disrespectful and rude.
In looking back, that first relationship was riddled with unsporting sarcastic comments equating my music to a desire to be slut: he assumed that any woman who auditioned for a band with a guy in it only did so for sex. As an adult, this man equated my activism with being a hypocritical welfare sucking author who ragged on the poor.
Sarcasm can be incredibly hurtful because it is often back-handed criticism that is couched as a joke.
It also makes it awfully hard to trust the person being sarcastic. You never know what you share will turn up as shameful fodder on social media.
Perhaps I needed to remember why I didn't trust him enough to tell him what was going on.
I'm not saying this next bit out of pity. I truly think it's time for me to stop trying to have romantic relationships. I have been ripped off far too much. Right now, the wrong relationship could take everything from me.
Quite honestly, the only healthy relationship I had with a male was with my Satanic roommate who wasn't into me.
Perhaps it is the entire Pagan openness thing. Most Pagans espouse the idea of true freedom with unconditional love and acceptance. Tying someone down or ridiculing them due to our own insecurities is the opposite of unconditional love and acceptance.
I even accepted him when he explained that he didn't worship Satan. He worshiped the archetype.
As someone who loves Carl Jung I understand.
I dream of this guy, too. His name is Sampson. He comes to me in my dreams when I've been attacked or beaten. He also shows up in real life to threaten or stare down my attackers.
I think I saw him outside of my new office last summer: I was stopped at a light and he started to approach my car with a half-grin. He dressed just as I remember, had the same filthy grin with the adorable gap in his front teeth. I started to reach out for him and the light changed, cars honked and I tried to turn around in a parking lot to talk to him.
When I looked for him, he was gone.
A couple of months later, I took a job on that very street corner. I've worked there ten months now, when I look out the window, I never see him.
Maybe it was my imagination.
Perhaps these are mirages that I need to understand and heed. Sampson knows my sister. He always reaches out when he needs something.
Maybe the dreams of Tom and Sampson are supposed to clear out the mind clutter of my past.
Maybe the point of the alternate universe dream is to create a new world for me to live in right now.
One free of men who tend to be annoyed by my energy.
Perhaps I should hold out for someone more spiritually like minded.
******
I find myself wondering about the dream,
pondering
where it came from.
Where would I consider the possibility of living in an alternate universe?
I think I know.
There are some sorcerers who believe that the best way to cast a spell is to imagine transporting yourself to an alternate universe where the only detail of your life that is different is the very thing you're wanting to change -
be it a better job,
a new lover,
more money
or whatever you want.
That probably wouldn't work for me.
I would definitely over think it.
Luckily I have more tried and true methods of re-inventing myself.
*****
I'm very busy - too busy.
I'm trying to get back into a doctoral program. I finally realized that student loans are a tax that professional people pay so that they can get the good jobs.
I've spent the past three weeks taking the CEUs for my insurance licenses. I don't think I'll keep all 37. I may keep my license in Washington, Oregon, California and Colorado. I don't really see myself moving anywhere outside of these areas.
I'm also in school to get licensed as a drug and alcohol counselor. The biggest issue I have right now is trying to find an internship and/or a paying job in the field so I can earn my hours. It'll take about three years to earn enough hours for the license.
If I don't write for awhile it is because I'm super busy.
Everything will work out.
I pray everything works out well for you, too.
Live your dreams in this world, it's far more interesting.
Love ya,
S.