Today I am thankful for dark dreams.
Yes, I'm still having strange dreams.
I'm trying to chase them away with allergy medication.
I don't think it's working.
So, I still have dreams of men from my past. Okay, one man from the past.
My subconscious mind must be trying to work something out.
I want to know why I suck in relationships so badly.
I'm avoiding men like the plague.
They want to rescue me.
I find an excuse to do the Irish good-bye (sneaking out the back without saying a word).
I decided that gaining weight would keep them away.
No, weight gain just hurts my joints.
I'm getting to the point of eating salad at every meal.
It's nice.
For once in my life I can eat real food....not the protein shakes and diet dr. office crap.
I used to hate eating food because it made me sick. I didn't realize I was allergic to most of it.
No milk, no wheat, no soy, no bananas, no nuts, no shellfish...
I love tofu but cannot enjoy the noun.
Someday I'll find someone to share the verb with.
I wasn't anorexic.
I was allergic.
My eating disorder makes so much sense now.
My life is currently changing.
I'm not sure what to think.
I am allergic to many of the trees and weeds native to my area. I can't hike anymore.
Maybe the Gods want me to move.
******
Never complain to new age people, especially astrologers.
Don't do it.
I complained about my dreams to one. She got my birthday and the subject of the dream's birthday and claimed it was a psychic connection.
There's something strange about that.
I have two other friends born on that exact day.
I don't dream of them!!
Someone is pulling my chain.
After talking to her, the strangest thing happened. I stopped dreaming about my ex and started dreaming of red beings.
I think they're supposed to be demons.
Strange, isn't it?
The demons just want to talk but I don't understand what they're tying to say.
My subconscious mind is definitely trying to warn me about something.
I am having dreams of being attacked in my home.
The dreams are getting so bad I'm thinking about moving.
The property damage is starting to get to me.
******
I've been promoted temporarily at one of my jobs.
It's breaking my heart.
I have feelings for one of my colleagues. We can never be together due to issues of faith. He's an extremist Christian. I'm Pagan and many of my Gods are gay.
He's alone. It's a long story. That's probably the worst part of it. He wrote a book about it. I'm having trouble getting through the book. It makes me cry.
He swoons around me. I know...there is love there.
We used to sit next to each other. We'd spend hours talking about music theory, music education, being in bands and the things we would do so our colleagues can sound better on the phone.
I miss our talks.
Years ago, he was my favorite disc jockey. He says that he admires me for running for office in the town he lives in.
He wrote a book. I buy copies but wind up giving them away before I can finish reading it. I always meet someone who needs the book. I happily give it away so I can buy another.
I'm surprised he's still working with this company.
They treat him poorly. He has issues that can easily be remedied with software.
The company isn't ADA compliant. They won't purchase or allow the installation of the software.
They don't understand. Could you imagine the PR if this guy went forward with how awesome this company is? It's a big company. Having a former local celebrity sing their praises could take them a long away.
The company doesn't want to be awesome.
I only see him sporadically since I was promoted.
He used to hide chocolates on my desk.
When I am in his building, I sneak in to hide chocolates under his mouse.
That was a fun game.
I miss that.
Now, I'm feeling uncomfortable.
I supervise him now.
I listen to him for the purpose of giving him feedback to help him improve.
To me, he's awesome.
I have to truly concentrate on his voice.
I hear the pain in his voice.
I hear his frustration.
I want to run away.
Women have screwed him over in the past.
He's in pain.
He tries so hard to hide it.
It's not fair.
Life is not fair.
I've met Job.
Maybe I'm the demon?
Maybe I'm the red demon who tempts Job to doubt his God?
I don't want to be the demon.
Maybe I need to move and run away.
It's not worth harming another human being.
*******
I don't know.
I think we can work ourselves so hard that we can't think or feel.
This is where I am.
I'm wondering if I should leave my job -or- stop doing hypnosis -or- get more singing and bass lessons to join a band -or- move out of state
I don't know what to do.
I'm numb.
So, I'm going to take some time to meditate and see if I can understand what the demons in my dreams are telling me.
*******
What was my biggest lesson this week?
Never ask an astrologer for advice.....nutty stuff? huh?
Psychic connections??? I pray that's not possible. I'd feel sorry for any human being who could hear the laughable and filthy things I think.
Seriously.....
I can barely stand it.
Love ya lots,
S.