The Unintentional Cougar

 

Today I am thankful for the insight of younger men.

 

 

I do get propositioned for sex a lot. 

 

 

Typically the men are in their thirties.  They always express shock when I reveal my true age.

 

 

It doesn't deter them.  I spend my time trying to introduce them to women closer to their age range that aren't bat-shit crazy.

 

That opened my eyes to how hard it is for single guys to find women.

 

 

If I can't find single thirty year old women to invite to parties, how hard must it be for men to find dates?

 

I've spent the past two years hiding away from men....or at least trying to.

 

I don't go to the gun range anymore.  I don't hang out with Libertarians anymore.  I do very little with the Pagan groups now and I order my food online and pick it up from the grocery store.  Yes, the fifty year old flirty guy who spends time talking about his elderly mother is someone I'd like to get to know....maybe.

 

He's the store manager who delivers my groceries to the car.  I don't know why he brings my groceries to me.  He's a lot of fun to talk to. It makes my day. 

 

That's pretty much all I get for male contact. 

 

The only other men who can hit on me now are colleagues.

 

I won't date colleagues.

 

One man.....a thirty-five year old Scorpio....from Washington state....has to hide himself inside his long coat when I come by. 

 

He stares a little too long at my behind.  He always has.

I've known him for about eight months.

 

He works in tech support.  He fixes my computer.  I work the hours no one wants.  I work when few people call and use the time to research how to protect my computer from hackers and other anti-stalking tips. 

 

The man met me outside by my car a few nights ago.  He saw my internet searches and is concerned.

 

He wanted me to know he has always noticed me. 

 

Yeah....but....uh...

 

I'm OLD!

 

He didn't care. 

He asked me when the I last kissed a man.

I declined to answer.  I couldn't even kiss Steve because he tried to choke me the first time.

I couldn't kiss him after that.

He asked about personal habits - do they change when you don't date?
 

Um.....old habits die hard, even for the celibate.

I still like sharp razors.

I can clean up my body.  I can't clean up my life.

 

I just won't consider dating men until I clean up my life. 

 

We spoke about what was going on in my life.

 

If my ex's family is showing up when he's out of town, they're keeping tabs on me to see if I am seeing someone.

 

I need to get my computers scrubbed and my telephone reset.

 

I need a new car.

 

And I need to see someone who won't freak out when a former in-law watches us sip tea at a coffee house.

 

He asked if I tried dating.

 

I did....my ex refused to move out of the house and the guy I was seeing (Steve) would send me abusive emails over it.  He wrote the nastiest things about me (and not the fun kind of nasty either). He ran around telling people lies about me trying to get them to harass me on his behalf.  He always blamed my situation. He has a personality disorder that makes one prone to engaging in emotional abuse, it is unlikely that Michael had anything to do with it.  It didn't help but it didn't cause the problem.

 

The situation makes it impossible to move on- I don't know if people will know that there is no funny business going on or if there is anything there.  It's just easier to give up on living then mess around with trying to get my ex to cooperate with me or the courts. 

 

He asked if the man I dated ever came to my home.  No, Steve wouldn't go to the parties I tried to hold and invited him to.  He was too afraid of my ex.
 

I was informed a real man would do what he wanted to do and see who he wanted to see without being swayed by her intrusive ex.  He told me a story about a woman he dated whose ex did the same things to her.  He helped her remove him from her life.  He wound up moving for his job and the relationship didn't quite work out. 

 

He hugged me tightly.  Male physiology has a way of betraying their thoughts.

 

It was near midnight.  I had to return to work early the next day (and work again until Midnight).  I was tired.  I needed sleep so I bid him farewell. 

 

I stood there nearly in tears, trying to remember the safety tips he shared....knowing that I cannot even consider what I would want as a woman.

 

I have tried to talk to Michael in recent days about moving out.  I don't know how to get through to him.  If he won't move out, I need to move out. 

 

I'm concerned about the safety of my clients' personal information.  I really shouldn't have to worry about breaches to my security, computers or electronic devices.

 

I'm feeling stuck. 

 

I will move on somehow. 

 

It's just strange how love reveals itself in weird ways.

 

I pray he finds a kind, beautiful, steamy and much younger woman.

 

Love ya,

S.