Today I am thankful for the lack of drama in my life right now.
I have learned that.....yes, I have to change my behavior.
That is the price of peace.
I don't answer the phone for people I don't know.
I am thinking about hiring an answering service to screen for Steve's girlfriend and Michael's relatives.
I hired someone else to do my social networking so I don't have to put up with Steve or other annoying men trying to get into my pants. I thought that would stop when I hit forty. It didn't.
I stopped trying to talk to my ex-husband about moving out. I never got anywhere with him.
I am trying to deal with everything myself now.
I'm stuck in a couple of places and may need to go back to court. I didn't realize it would be impossible for me to remove my name from joint assets so he could have them. He needs to cooperate with me.
I'm sure a judge could force him to take me off of the title to the van I gave him and the old checking account. If I close the account, I get cut a check for his money and his auto-payments won't go through. I can't close the account without making his life harder. I can't take my name off of it. He has to go to the bank, get a check for his money and open a new account. I cannot do that for him.
In the divorce, I was given that account. I opened it when I was 21 years old.
I thought it would be easier to give it to him rather than try to talk about taking his money out of it. I have no clue what is in it. I never really had access since 2011. It's his account.
I opened my new account during our divorce.
I'm not comfortable with this situation.
I'm stuck until he decides to take action.
That's the hard part......trying to do all the work myself.
If anything is going to happen, I'll probably have to make it happen.
*****
I have also decided that I will NEVER again date a man who laughs and/or ignores my fear. Michael discounts my fear surrounding the stalking. He doesn't think it's a big deal. He doesn't want to deal with it. He does replace the locks when his relatives break them. He does run around the house with a bug detector. He did buy me a security camera (that freaks me out because he had it installed on his cell phone and it recorded everything I did).
Steve did the same thing. He called me a liar (even thought he was there when Shannon was watching us drink tea at Starbucks with her Apple laptop and phone pointed in our direction). Steve even played on that fear a couple of times by threatening to stalk me and lie to get a restraining order against me.
Then......get this.....he told some of my friends that I was stalking him.
Wow....stalking is NOT a joke. It's not funny. It is incredibly terrifying.
I don't even park my car at work because of it.
The manager of a local retailer lets me park in his lot while I walk to work a block away.
The last line speaks to the incredible grace of the people in my community. I've endured far more kindness than abuse. I hope to return all the good that I receive ten fold.
*****
I haven't had a single stalking incident since Michael lost his job.
I realize now why men like to make women dependent on them.
Dependent people are easier to control. Dependent people won't try to hurt you because they need you to take care of them.
The tables have turned.....Michael is dependent on me until he finds a job.
The stalking appears to have ended.
If I ask him to leave now, I'm probably inviting the stalking or worse.
I'll just......keep myself busy with other things for now.
*****
I have also realized that men like Michael and Steve wanted loyalty more than love.
No matter how idiotic, mean and rude they were - I wasn't allowed to speak about it or try to put a stop to it. When I tried to problem solve with them, they either ignored me or blamed me.
They never hit me.....thank goodness. They were incredibly emotionally abusive.
They would make up reasons to badmouth me to other people.
The triangulation should have been my first clue to the abusive nature of these men.
Do not date any man who talks behind your back or tells you that his mother doesn't approve of you due to the stuff he says to her.
Both of them would tell me that they told their mother things about me (that were untrue) and that their mothers did not approve of me.
Michael told his mother that I wouldn't allow him to go to school. I was helping him apply for student grants at the time!! He received a degree shortly afterwards!!
Steve told his mother that I binge ate when he wasn't around and that I was abusing him. This was when he was sending me threatening emails and texts.
Maybe this can be a tip for other people.
Abusive men seem to have bizarre relationships with their mothers.
They also like to cast themselves in the light of a victim.....while they are terrorizing other people.
I wish I understood these types of people.
I can't.
I have a graduate degree in psychology. I understand the theory.
I just can't understand how people could live that way.
It must work for them.
*****
I am hoping that I can start living like a normal person again.
It would be nice not to feel the need to act like a demonic witch.
My in-laws claim I'm Satan.
The only thing that seems to scare them is witchcraft.
Maybe I don't need to scare them anymore.
Maybe they are done.
Please let them be done.
******
This week has been amazing.
I found a mentor. He has helped me develop three corporate courses and seminars that I can market.
I also have been working on new videos and a super duper top secret project.
I am outsourcing my art and videography to people in Indonesia. It's nice. I put in my order and it's usually done by the time I wake up in the morning.
Things are looking up.
******
I should also say that Michael has been very helpful in recent weeks.
I have to carry the insurance on the kids now that he's lost his job..
This is a good thing because I can insure that they get the health and dental services that they need.
I couldn't do that when Michael carried insurance on them because Michael and I cannot communicate. I didn't know what was covered, who to call and what the co-payments and co-insurance would be.
Now, he will drive them to their appointments and sit with them while I work. One of the kids needed a surgery. He sat with her. I'm pleasantly surprised.
Maybe it's not a bad thing letting him stay here until he gets back on his feet.
I am working two jobs - I am rarely home.
About the second job, I needed health insurance. I realized that the best way to get health insurance was to become an insurance agent. I'm licensed in eight states and the District of Columbia. This year my cost is only $80 a month (for health, dental and vision). I'm not sure about 2016 yet.
I'd recommend that part-time gig to any entrepreneur needing to get insurance.
If I have any more major epiphanies, I'll share.
Your journey is different from mine. I'm not sure you'll get any mileage from my bizarre thought process.
May your journey be long, beautiful and with many pleasant memories and friends made along the way.
Love ya,
S.