Warped Gratitude Blog

Today I am thankful for fear; it gives us the energy to get away from danger.       I've been trying to talk to Michael about what he wants to do.   He's scaring me.      Michael says that he stays in this house to put a stop to the stalking.      I'm pretty sure he's the stalker.      He accompanied me to my aunt's house for an impromptu Christmas party.    My sister said that it was nice that we were back together.     We are not back together.   He won't talk about moving out.     My sister said "he loves you....just a little too much."   Stalking isn't about love.   Stalking is about control.   I'm scared.   I can't sleep as I fear getting stabbed or beat to death in my bed.   I don't know why I'm afraid he's going to lose it.    I have to find a way out.   Love...

Today I am thankful for knowing. I am also thankful for knowing a lot of shrinks. I am doubly thankful for knowing a lot of anti-taxation activists. I do know that Michael is my stalker.  In talking to numerous experts, there are several clues. He acts like a controlling man.  He takes my car (remedied by buying one too beat up and small for him to fit into).  He takes my money without a second thought. He refuses to give me eye contact when I try to deal with the stalking. He yells at me when I try to put together a safety plan. The stalking incidents always take place when he is not around: That means that the stalking is meant to keep tabs on me. He did something even stranger - he did my Christmas shopping for me. He's not working!! Where did he get the money? How do I know my kids will like the gifts he said I bought for them? I don't understand how this works. I was told by a psychiatrist yesterday that I NEED...

Today I am thankful for insight. I spent six hours yesterday trying to talk to Michael about what he wanted. He tells me it doesn't matter. I let him know that I need to know what to expect, I'd like to know if he's planning on moving out . He won't tell me. I told him that I was creeped out by the stalking. He says he has nothing to do with it. Exasperated, I finally told him that the only reason he was here was due to his stubbornness. He was supposed to move out in October of 2013. He never did. It didn't bother me so much when he was traveling all of the time.  He'd only be here on a few weekends and need a ride to the airport. Since he lost (or gave up his job), he's been here non-stop.  I can't use the home gym because it is in the basement.  He's here constantly.  I can't call the shelters or the stalking hotlines.  I can't contact lawyers.  I can't invite people over.  He is here...all.....

Today I am thankful for people who express honest anger. I am thankful for Tim.  Tim is the guy who trained me to sell insurance.  I met him at the Phish concert a little over a year ago. I took the weekend shift because those are the days no one wants therapy. In all my years being a therapist, I've only had one Saturday client and one Sunday consultation. It's nice to have a job working for someone else. It's nice to be someplace with high security and safe from the stalker. I also like getting away from the ex who is squatting in my home. To be more fair, the weekends are the days my ex is supposed to be with the kids.  When (or if) he moves out, he'll be with them on the weekends and I can work long hours doing something that I feel is worthwhile. Besides....I feel like I don't belong in my own house because he somehow has the money to spoil the kids.  When he's here, he does things for him.  He buys things for the...

Today I am thankful for my insurance gig. I took the insurance job because I was recently divorced and needed health insurance.  I chose this company because they had pretty good security and I was acquainted  with one of the bosses (because I met him at the Phish concert). It is three blocks from my hypnosis business.  I work seven days a week, twelve hours a day.  Five days during the week, I play hypnotist.  Four days of the week, I play insurance agent.  The weekends, I do a bit of both.  I never thought it was going to come in handy. It did yesterday. My uncle married a greedy lady.  I know it's not nice to say but it's the truth. When my mother died, my maternal aunt took me in.  She didn't want to be a mother so she gave absconded leaving me to live with my maternal uncle. He traveled a lot.  I spent most of my teenage years basically alone. When I was sixteen, my uncle met a redheaded...

Today I am thankful for science fiction. I grew up in a Trekker household. Most people referred to us as Trekkies.  The politically correct term was Trekker. I went to every possible science fiction convention in the area.  I met James Doohan when I was five.  I got lost in a hotel and started crying.  I barely remember the gentle grandfatherly man who consoled me, grabbed my hand, and let me stand next to him at a table while he signed papers.  I remember his hand.  He was missing fingers.  He didn't say anything about it.  He gave me some water and told me to stand next to him and he'd find my family for me.  Sure enough, my aunt came to the front of the line to get his autograph.  I vividly remember her yelling at me for bugging the star of the attraction. Later, I would learn the man's identity.  He was Scotty.  He didn't sound like Scotty.  He didn't look like Scotty....

Today I am thankful for my Vintage Peavey T-40. Well....I tore my nails up. I don't play as well as I used to play. As a teen, this was my go to stress relief song.  In college, I got offers to play lead guitar in bands because I was fast...but I'm not a guitar player.  I play bass because I want to feel the music.  I'm old now.  It's a bad sign when you put down your bass because building an app would be less frustrating. Yes, I'm trying to build an app.  I just can't figure out what to give people; free hypnosis recordings? Coupons? When I know, I'll build it.  I'll probably get 2/3s of the way through it and wind up paying someone to fix it for me. That's how I roll.  I'm weird that way.  I fall in love with basses more than men. I feel in love two weeks ago.  It was hard to walk away from this hottie. So...the next time I do something seemingly impossible, I'll splurge on bass lessons...

Today I am thankful for 501c3 financials....the press...and being a brat.     This morning I tried yet again to speak with Michael about what was going on,   why I am afraid,   what he wanted,   what he expected,   and what I can do to put an end to the crazy crap.     As I sat there talking to him about being afraid to answer the door....    there was a knock at the door...   it was forceful but not the scary three pound knock that usually precedes some type of property damage.   It is Thursday.  The stalker rarely bugs me on Thursdays.      Michael answered the door.     A man wanted me to accept a subpoena.  I told him that I had a stalker and that I was afraid to name my identity.  I asked who hired him.    He refused to tell me.   I was shaken.     I was pissed. ...

Today I am thankful for the insight of my psychotherapist.     Psychotherapists typically see other psychotherapists just as a matter of course.     I've spend most of my adult life in psychotherapy.  It helps.     It is not uncommon to have a client bring in an issue that uncovers your own.  At that point, one needs to go see someone to work through their stuff in order to be present with his or her clients.     I have a therapist.      She resembles Shannon in many ways.....she is shorter and much skinnier.     She has Shannon's voice, hair color and style.     She doesn't have Shannon's smirk.     I've seen her for a about a year or so.     I stopped practicing psychotherapy for two years when the stalking made its way to my office and other therapists as well as the billing specialist were harassed.  I went back into pr...

Today I am thankful for the ability to document stalking crap. My brand new ultra-expensive 32 gb Samsung phone has been hacked. At least, I think it was.  It will flash various screens while it sits on the table charging.  It should be silent and off when I am not using it. I fell asleep for five hours, when I awoke the phone was flashing. ***** I'm trying to remember all of the weird stuff that has been going on this week so I can write it down to remember it. I apologize for this being so choppy.  I've been working twelve hour days selling insurance and providing hypnosis services. If you want a boon in business, put an ad on a coupon website.  You don't make any money (they keep most of it) but it's a good way to get the word out about your services. I built a new website and a web app. They are pretty spiffy!  I'm busy.  I'm tired. I need a place to document this. ***** On Sunday, November 14th - I awoke to find t...

Today I am thankful for closure.   Warning: This is a serious post - for once.  I am sharing my resignation letter to the Libertarian party.  I was told that I needed to send one in, so I sent an email to the Records Director and asked if he wanted me to mail it.  I never received a response.  I do know that they are getting the message.  They have finally put an ad forth to find someone to take my place.  I was told that they would probably fold the group because people are not participating. Why would that be? Why would people join the party and hesitate to take action? Perhaps they feel like they won't get anything done?  Perhaps they feel alienated? We need to find out why and change our ways. People cease to be motivated when they do not see results for their efforts, don't feel appreciated or find themselves slandered for doing the best that they can. Yes, I am still bothered by the very public smear campaign against...