Today I am thankful for my blog and the weirdness that has become my life.
I think I am thankful.
I'm not sure.
Yes...my blog. For the past eight years, I have documented almost every single thing of significance that has happened in my life since my (now) deceased father-in-law was seen driving by my house (which coincided with my ex and I talking about getting divorced).
That was April of 2006.
Some of the blogs are no longer public. I wasn't sure if my political frenemies would make fun of my life in the papers when I was running for office. I'm not that important, thankfully. In any event, many of my other writings haven't been public for a while.
I'm important enough to have my diet scrutinized in the press. I'm NOT important enough to have my stalking crisis critiqued. That's not a bad place to be.
The neat part about having eight years of blog posts is that it helps me to see patterns in relationships. I have the gift of hindsight.
When it comes to Steve, I can see a definite five week cycle of push and pull. We were three weeks on and two weeks off. I can see borderline tendencies in the emails that I chose to share.
There are 49 emails I have yet to read. I may never read them. I do so tire of hearing that I'm a cheating whore with 15 "f_ck buddies."
I don't know what Steve thinks "f_uck buddies" are....but if I have 15 of anything, they are creditors. Maybe he considers paying bills as getting f_cked. If that is the case, the man speaks the truth.
I have a lot of creditors. There were other things, too. I don't want to talk about them. Those emails are causing an interesting type of trouble for me this holiday season. I'll share below.
When it comes to Michael, when going through my blog, I can see what triggered the stalking events. It was typically my reaching for independence.
I fear going back to work as an independent contractor. I fear being stalked. Now, after Steve told everyone not to believe me, I fear being disbelieved. I find myself not speaking of it anymore.
That's okay. If I wind up dead, I'm sure Michael, Steve and Shannon will be rounded up and quizzed by the cops. This is why I keep my blog. I want justice for my kids should anything stupid happen.
*****
My eldest borrowed my computer several months ago. I didn't sign out of my Gmail account, so when she went to check her email...she saw many of the emails Steve sent to me. They were abusive. She showed her father.
He forbid me from allowing the children to have any contact with Steve.
They helped me hide the emails and put them in an electronic file to share with the police just in case things escalate.
This is where it gets interesting....
I am finding myself really conflicted here.
My ex-husband bought me a new laptop for Christmas so I have a computer without Steve's crap on it.
I do NOT want to take it out of the box.
I want him to take it back.
He thinks I should use my old computer for recording and mixing my CDs. He wants me to use the new one for work.
This is the first time he's actually given me permission to work.
I know it sounds weird to want permission from one's ex-husband in order to hold a job. That permission.....well....it means a lot. It means that he probably won't stalk me at work.
It could mean that the stalking is over.
That means a lot to me.
*****
I did visit with my sibling yesterday. I have a sister who was raised by my mother and step-father. She was diagnosed as a Borderline (a diagnosis that I dispute). She is bi-polar.
She is confusing me.
She had an entire bedroom devoted to Christmas gifts for me....my children....and my grandchild.
I am not joking.
There must have been 500 individually wrapped presents in that room.
All I bought her was a copper mirror. I told her to look in it and see the one thing we truly wanted on Christmas. We wanted her presence.
I think I stunned her.
That's okay....I think she is trying to make up for all the years that she was not there for whatever reason....she had some rough times.
She has not aged well. Life has been hard for her.
She wanted to know my anti-wrinkle secrets. I told her. It's Gobin Cum (Google The Oatmeal). Just put that crap on your face for ten minutes once a week. It'll melt your wrinkles off.
White grapes work, too. Grape juice doesn't sting your eyes.
I don't know.....
We should have talked about what she wanted.....what she needed....how to make her feel included.
We didn't.
I have a plan. I will start implementing said plan tomorrow. I don't know what to share.
I think.....I think....she gives what she wants. I think.....she wants to be made to feel special.
I'm trying to arrange a surprise birthday party in a room full of presents.
We'll see.
*****
It was fun to learn that a kid I taught bass to 22 years ago is in a very popular band. I had no idea. He told me how to get an Ibanez 5-string for $50. He told me which pawn shop had the stupid sales staff.
I'm too honest to get away with that.
Maybe.....I'll have to take him with me.
*****
I think that's all I can type. I'm so busy that I find myself falling asleep at the computer. I was offered a page on a very popular psychology blog. I had a corporation offer to buy the rights to my videos on YouTube.
Things are heating up. I do not know where to go.
I guess the lesson is to look forward.
*****
I do find myself wondering....
if.....
it is possible to go back to my ex....
if.....
I can get him into counseling.....
if....
the stalking would stop...
if....
we can learn to talk to each other....
if.....
if.....
I don't know....I don't know.....every time I see him, I get the sense it will be the last time.
He is ill.
I am very afraid that I'll have to bury him.
It's bizarre but I ask for prayers for my ex-husband. He is ill. I don't know if I should write about it.
I'm scared.
I want my life back.
It's so hard to move forward when I fear the worst for someone I care about.
No one deserves what he is enduring.
It seems surreal. It really does. It seems like all heck broke lose the day we were divorced. He's had so many health issues this year; broken bones, a near heart attack, diabetes......
He can't walk without limping....without breaking out in a cold sweat.....without getting winded...
I'm worried.
He also sports wood. I guess his heart health and diabetes can't be that bad.
Sigh.....
At least he doesn't have prostrate cancer. I know who would get the blame then.....the last eight years of our marriage, I didn't help him clean out the pipes. That is what I miss the most. I miss the pipe cleaning fun.... I miss the taste. I will have nightmares about getting turned on....going for it....and being told that I can't have any because my car alarm is going off.
It's a long story.....I tried to enjoy the treat once last year. Every time my boyfriend and I got interested in it, the car alarm would go off. I'd laugh. He'd get pissed off thinking that I was laughing at him. Then he critiqued everything about me. I lost the mood.
I also had the car alarm disabled.
I hate to think that I'll never know the taste of.....well....that's not true. I get to taste Goblin Cum once a week. It's not the same....it's not.
Okay....on that note....I'll try to go to sleep without having nightmares. Celibacy isn't so bad. I can deal. I just get so fat when I can't exercise. I've gained 20 pounds over the past six months. I need to go on a diet. If only I had a "f_ck buddy."
I don't.
I shouldn't feel so crappy about it. A lot of people have dry spells. They survive. They don't whine. They don't complain. They don't blog.
I can suck it up.
Oh, that didn't help.
Okay....okay....okay.....
Happy thoughts.....I'll think of things I like.....Christmas.....Star Trek.....The Nexus....Bald Guys....Patrick Stewart....
yum....
Oh geez....that didn't help....
I'll just take a sleeping pill with a huge glass of ice water. It's all good.
Tomorrow, I'll head out to Bath and Body Works to get my sister some feel good potions.
Do you know something fun? Everyone who knows me treats me like I'm a tom boy. They act like I'm all leather and heels and tough and geeky.....
My sister remembers that I like lace....and pink. Most of those packages contained lacey scarves and hats or pink jewelry.
I did get one really weird thing....it was a bottle of knock off Justin Bieber perfume.
The package literally said "Our impression of Justin Bieber."
You wanna know something?
It didn't smell like a teenage hooligan.
I was pleasantly surprised.
Whew....I won't need that cold shower after all.
Justin Bieber is good for something!!!
Happy Holidays!!!
Love ya lots,
S.