Today I am thankful for the laughs that I am getting from something under the Christmas tree.
So.....
Well....
There are electronic devices under the tree. They aren't expensive. They're little toys.
They are children's toys.
Some are talking dolls....
Others are talking action figures.....
Some are little electronic toys for the granddaughter....
One of them talks to me as I sit in the living room building websites....
It says....
"Better them than me!"
It is a male voice.
I bet it is coming from the Deadpool doll.
I don't know...
It is weird.
It is funny.
It is weird because of my hobby. **
*****
It is no secret that I collect artifacts from haunted houses.
I think it is fun.
It is a great way to get antique jewelry and creepy dolls for next to nothing.
People want to get rid of creepy things.
I take them.
There are only two things that I find too creepy to wear. One is a 70's era Avon necklace that is said to have six demon spirits on it. A woman sent it to me after her Satanist father died. He kept it in a safe. It sits in a box of sea salt and sage in my underwear drawer. There is probably nothing to it. I'm probably just sharing in the hysteria of the woman who sent it to me.
The salt keeps the nightmares away. It's worth it.
The other is a necklace that came from the middle east. It was said to have a highly protective Djinni on it. This Djinni was said to have helped the locals find lost children and get revenge against child rapists.
I believe the lore surrounding the stone. The person who made it seemed afraid. It is a lapis surrounded by an iron cage. The locals believe that iron contains demons and keeps them from causing chaos in the world.
This is the necklace that shocks anyone who touches it.....except me.
It is my favorite.
Anyway....
if you ever see me wearing an Iron necklace never, ever, say the words......"I wish".....
I wish I could get enough money to buy a decent vehicle in a way that harms no one.
That wish.....that wish....never comes true.
There is a reason why I may need a new car.
*****
I am running around trying to get a lot of things done for the holidays.
I had an issue with a child wanting to keep a friendship with my ex-boyfriend's daughter. She wants to give her a gift she bought for her.
I don't know.....
I don't think that will turn out very well.
I don't trust that the other adult in the situation wouldn't use the children as a means to harass or get information about me. I don't know what I am dealing with. I am leery about allowing that nonsense back into my world.
I still can't get over all the occasions he tried to use Facebook to get my friends to shame me. I am learning that this is quite common with people with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I would have never found out about it if my stalker ex-husband wasn't stalking Steve.
Wow......Yes, I'm fairly sure that Steve has "Borderline Personality Disorder."
I think that he was using NVC to try to navigate the symptoms of the disorder and prevent further fallout. I think he used Anarchy as a means to justify some of the symptoms.
He is trying to adapt. DBT would work better. I'm looking into auditing a course on that treatment option. It's been a long time since I studied counseling.
Borderline Personality Disorder such a crappy label for someone who cannot regulate his or her emotions due to a fear of abandonment. I wonder how I missed it?
I should know better.
*****
I am still avoiding Facebook. I have a new reason now after talking to someone who deals with Borderline personalities.
I don't know......
I don't know.....
I don't know what I am dealing with....
I just know that I cannot share any part of my life online anymore. It could upset my "BPD" ex-boyfriend. Any sharing of my life could cause him to fall into an emotional storm.
Yikes.....
It is also bad form for a therapist to self-disclose in a public forum. If I want to get my old job back, I should not self-disclose online.
And....
the men.....there are men out there who use Facebook to try to troll for warm beds to sleep in.
So....
NO!
I'm staying away until I figure out how to deal with what I think was happening.
*****
I did learn some interesting things about narcissistic personality, too. There are people raised by narcissists who take on the characteristics in times of stress. I'm fairly sure that is what was going on with my ex-husband. He's being pretty nice. I don't trust it.
I get the sense he's going to start borrowing my car now. He ran the mini-van I gave him into the ground. It won't pass emissions. We'll see how he handles his situation.
I only have one car key. It'll be hard for him to just take my car. Besides it is a tiny, beat-up, Altima. My ex is 6'2" and 450 pounds. He can't really fit it in very well.
I'm tired of rescuing him -but- he needs his job. I need him to have his job. His job is the best chance I have of living in peace. If my car enables him to keep his job, I guess he can have it. I only paid $1,500 for it and $1,100 for repairs.
If he takes it, I'll just take him to court for the $14,500 he took from me after our divorce and try to recoup some of the money. I still don't know if I want that money back. He's helping me with the bills now, maybe I can call it a wash.....
Maybe.....
Sometimes it is better NOT to fight for things.
Sometimes it is better just to let other people win.
We have to pick our battles.
Our kids are getting straight A's in school. I wonder how much of that is due to the fact that I don't argue with my ex. I let him stay here****. I don't know if they would maintain their grades if there were any type of upheaval in their home.
One got accepted into a prestigious program. Our eldest was in that program. They paid her way through college. She makes more money than I and her dad - combined! I'd love that fate for all of the kids. I really would.
I'm not going to fight it. I'll just sit back and see how things fall into place.
*****
There is also a lot of other bizarre stuff going on in my household.
My ex was diagnosed with two more life threatening conditions.
Maybe I'll write about it later. I do find myself in tears when I watch him walk in public. He can't do it without limping. He can't walk without breaking out into a cold sweat.
I am worried.
I want to live in peace. I don't want him to die or anything.
I can't bring myself to harm him until he gets help.
On the bright side, he is in no condition to stalk me now.
I am lucky. The people in his family are all very obese. It's easy to outrun them when they decide to stalk me on my ex-husband's behalf.
I just wanted the stalking to end. I didn't want anyone....hurt.
It gets weirder. He won't admit to being divorced. I think we need couples therapy to help us move on -but- given the state of his physical health, I don't want to push anything. He needs to get the dangerous stuff out of the way before dealing with the aftermath. Besides, there may be more of a reason for therapy if he's going to have life altering health issues.
Love doesn't die just because of a legal document. He was my best friend most of my adult life! You don't just throw someone out in the street at the end of a 22 year relationship. The weird thing now is that I don't know if I should call it a 23 year relationship - he's still here even after the divorce.
I don't know...
Steve taught me that there are dangers in dating. I'm not in any rush to move on.
*****
I'm running late for a meeting. Sorry this is choppy.
I have had some exciting things happen, too. I'm just not sure what to share -or what to disclose.
I'll try to update soon.
I just want people to know that BPD is treatable. It's not like it was when they told my sister she had it.
I still think she was misdiagnosed because only an idiotic psychiatrist would hospitalize a single mother on Christmas Eve due to a fear of abandonment. She had witnessed a death in the days prior. She saw a man hit by a train. She was having trouble coping and saw a doctor to try to mediate the medicine she was taking for her bi-polar issues. He hospitalized her.
She had family. She had a four month old daughter. She needed to be at home at Christmas.
We got her out.
*****
My sister was a very kind child. I remember.....before we were separated....she was barely sitting up. My mother would yell and this little baby would wrap her hair around her finger and stroke my face with it.
I was four. She was barely a year old.
I remember......that is my sister. That was my sister before the lithium. That was my sister before she became an addict, before she was homeless, before she started lying about everyone trying to help her.
I will always see that when I look at her. She grew up to be a nurse.
I remember.....in our twenties....how she took a job in the nursing home to protect our grandfather. He had suffered a stroke. His kids abandoned him. I went to visit and found my sister working there. She made minimum wage. She said she did that so he wouldn't be alone.
That IS my sister.
There are theories about how BPD people are hyper-sensitive and have big hearts. I wish more would be published. I do so tire reading about how they are all "crazy a$$holes."
I still don't think she's Borderline. She could be. We don't get to talk very much. When we were little, I was sent to live with my grandparents. She grew up with my mother and step-father. They vilified me for being "too perfect." She hates me.
I don't know her well enough to know if she has the disease. I just remember having to get her out of the mental health hospital on Christmas Eve.
Now, I'm running the risk of being late. Gotta go.
Love ya,
S.
Edit Sometime Later:
**LOL- I found out what was making the "better than them me" sound.
It is a Homer Simpson app on my daughter's Samsung phone.
It sure feels good to debunk superstition. It really does.
http://answers.ea.com/t5/The-Simpsons-Tapped-Out/quot-Better-them-than-me-quot-How-to-turn-it-off/td-p/591930
**** I'm too tired to argue about him leaving now.