Think About It... A person with Borderline Personality Disorder often presents with a characteristic relationship pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings back and forth from one phase to the next. ~ Roger Melton, M.A..
Today I am thankful for how far we've come in defining Borderline Personality Disorder in the past decade.
Today I am thankful for how far we've come in defining Borderline Personality Disorder in the past decade.
I have stayed off of Facebook since Steve posted to my page under a pseudonym. If he is mentally unstable, I probably shouldn't provoke him by posting about anything. I have hidden all of my posts from everyone except my friends. The problem with that is that he was trying to get in one of my Facebook friend's knickers. She was the one who called me up claiming to be homeless and wanting to move into my ex-husband's room. Her calls went from problem solving her situation to talking about Steve. She said that he was hitting on her during our relationship. The last night I spoke to her, she asked what I thought about Steve and I just said "he's a nice man but he has issues." That was the night he flew into a rage on my Facebook page under a pseudonym.
He had to have put her up to calling me. That really pisses me off. She had a knack of calling me right before super busy days. She'd call me up crying late at night and hang up around midnight. I had to be at work between 4:00 and 5:00 a.m.
There is a chance that this young woman is letting him use her page to watch me or that she'll report everything to him. I don't want to delete her for two reasons: (1) she could actually be homeless (2) if she's dating Steve, she may need someone to talk to in the near future.
It could be that Steve has another fake account linked to my profile. Two of my friends have contacted me on his behalf, telling me about Steve's lies. One chided me for the drama and blocked me. After eight years, I've become accustomed to him blocking me and coming back when he needs something. He's a lot like the Terminator. He WILL be back.
The other started to call me a "statist" but we wound up talking about how sex with statists is boring: he shut up. Talking about sex does something to a man. It reboots him. Any complaints he had before simply disappear at the thought of getting his nards off.
Still......returning our attention to the Facebook issue......
anything I post will be misconstrued. If Steve is acting like a three year old, everything will be about him. He'll get paranoid. He'll act out. He could lash out at me. He could lash out at his children. He may even lash out at the family dog.
He could take it out on himself.
I am becoming afraid of him.
*****
I have avoided Facebook. I don't like the drama. The drama Steve creates tends to bring more men out of the woodwork. They want to comfort me. I need to take time to be alone.
I wonder....is Facebook a Borderline convention site?
Probably not....given that less than 2% of the population are Borderline. I was reading statistics for the prison population....one study concluded that 30% of violent offenders are Borderline. I guess that resolves that. I have to stay away from Steve for my safety.
BPD is different that NPD. It's not that people with BPD will stalk, plan, and execute a well thought out crime. On the other side, they feel everything quite deeply. They can spiral into paranoia and obsession. They will become enraged at any thought that they are being rejected, whether or not they are actually being rejected. These are the people that will kill you in a fit of rage and feel guilty about it later.
NPD people will plan it out just to mess with you. If they kill you, they will feel that you deserved it.
*****
I did like this write-up about BPD: The article tends to create a sense of hope for people suffering the disorder.
I never really believed it existed until I caught Steve testing me and then chiding me for passing the tests. I had to prove my love but then if I put up with his abuse, I lacked self-worth in his eyes.
I had no choice but to leave. It is a no win situation.
Remember.....when I was in graduate school, the diagnosis was controversial. It was like the fibromyalgia of pain diagnosis. It was a label that shrinks gave to women who exhibited bi-polar disorder and self-harm. It was also said to be given to women that bad shrinks had seduced; rather than take responsibility for breaking ethical rules, the shrinks blamed the victim, claiming that they were taken in by the charms of the Borderline personality. Few people treated Borderlines. They were like the lepers of the profession. I would hesitate to consider that label for another person due to the bad rap that they could get. At least....I would have back then. Yes, there is a movement to rename the disorder to reflect that is a learned emotional regulation problem; not a personality disorder. That should also help people find hope.
Here is the link: http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/08/the-truth-behind-borderline-personality.html
It was written by someone dealing with this set of issues. I share it because it offers hope to the hopeless.
Just know...I hate labels. They are only good at describing phenomena and treatment options. They NEVER do the person bearing them justice.
Labels NEVER describe people.....they only describe behavior.
.
*****
I am feeling ungrounded and unsteady. I need time. I need to deal with the stalking from my former in-laws and ex-husband. I'll write more about that later. Things are better -but- I'm still having trouble with nosiness on the part of my ex-husband. I probably should document it soon.
*****
I am having two men hit on me. One is my doctor friend. The other is my long time IT friend who now lives in Malaysia.
I don't want to talk to men right now. I want to heal.
I'm about ready to delete my Facebook account.
I need time.
Right now, every man I meet is going to be met with suspicion. I need to recognize the red flags that I missed when I met Steve. When I met him, I had just announced my candidacy for mayor. I was getting published in journals. I was starting to command $150 an hour. Yeah, I was only working two to three hours a week but that's not half bad.
What happened?
The stalking.....the problem was the stalking. The stalking caused a disruption at my office. I had to move and try to start my business elsewhere. This was when I got to know Steve. I let Steve in my life when I was vulnerable. I should not have done that.
*****
This was an insightful series. I'll share here.
Video One: Describes BPD a little bit and talks about what the person hears when you try to help them.
br />
Video Two: This one describes why you cannot tell a BPD anything personal. This is why I have to stay away from Steve. Everything I told him was used against me on Facebook. After a year of this, after a year of losing friends and business contacts due to his lies....I had to leave.
Video Three: Why relationships with Borderlines are unworkable and how to break up.
Hope this helps someone.
Love,
S.