Warped Gratitude Blog

  Today I am thankful that I know other homeless activists:  There are some people I can't even try to help.  Well, there is one person.    So -  I signed divorce papers the summer of '13.  This was after seven years of being told that our relationship was over.  This was after 12 years of (pretty much) sleeping apart.  My ex-husband played a lot of games to keep me with him.  He wanted a.....what did he call it? a "fake marriage"....shoot, I don't remember now.  It was as if we put on a show for the world.  He did a lot of crazy crap to keep me here.   He'd threaten to kill himself.  He'd lie and say he was having life threatening health issues and ask me to stay until the surgeries were over.  There were no surgeries.  Once he let go of a handle on the back of a semi.  This caused him to fall to the ground and shatter his right wrist.  The way he described it to me, it was intentional. ...

  Today I am thankful for songwriters who write stuff to remind me that other people go through these things, too.  I heard this song and it reminded me the star of my nightmares.  It's just hard to decide who the runner is.  He's the runner - but - is it possible that I push him into the race.  Sigh -  **** There was a lesson this week.  In arranging my life to keep men away, I forgot to account for repairmen to fix the old, dilapidated facility in which I work.  So -  I met a guy.  He's my age,  tall,  has blue eyes,  and a familiar Ohio-ish mid-western accent (like my uncle and grandfather).  He's funny has heck.  Not sure if I can say much..... He introduced himself as "Jake, not from State Farm."  He tried to trick me into taking off my mask so he could see my face.  Must've seen me swooning.  I'm a musician (not a good one but despite this), I judge my world by sound.  If you have a voic...

  Today I am thankful for baby aspirin.  I probably ate far too much salt.  I took an older woman out to dinner yesterday and ate a burrito.   Shouldn't have done that.  I've got a headache from Hades and my chest hurts like hell.  Maybe it's time to take a baby aspirin and come back to this thing because I swear that I had seven or eight mini heart attacks today.  Seriously.... [Be right back]  Maybe I'll feel better now.... First thing I do in the morning is weigh myself.  I have gained 1.4 pounds!!!  That nearly put me in the running for a mini-stroke.  That had better be water weight... Sigh....after six months have having the scale go backward, upward movement is a little shocking.  I'd just invested in new clothes, too!!!  ***** Then I tried to darken my hair,  the strawberry blond is still the same color.  That's probably because I use a lot of conditioner and protein filler to keep my hair from break...

Today I am thankful that I didn't bite it in traffic.  I think I have to stop taking Hampden to the I-225 interchange.  This was the spot where I was struck by someone's wheel well which damaged by brakes, my suspension and caused $1,400 worth of damage a couple of weeks back.  That's one way to meet a bunch of guys....sadly.  Today, it was snowing.  Some dolt was speeding up behind me, I tried to move over but wound up doing a donut in three lanes of traffic leading on to a highway!  These are donuts.....Just in case someone thinks I'm talking about junk food.  I don't know how I didn't die nor do I know how my car didn't get a scratch and everyone else was untouched by the Hypnomobile.  Maybe I missed my calling -  perhaps I'd have a better career for myself as a stunt driver.  Well - maybe in a horror film.  My driving IS scary. ***** My job is getting annoying.  The boss lady is now getting other people recruited into mobbi...

  Today I am thankful that I have a bizarre way of seeing the world in which we live.  I think the lack of REM sleep is messing with my perception.  Driving to work yesterday, I caught a glance of myself in the rear view mirror and didn't see green or brown eyes.  My eyes were yellow!  They weren't glowing -but- my pupils were yellow!!  Never seen that before.  When they thought I had a liver tumor, the whites of my eyes were yellow.  My pupils have never been yellow!  Maybe the road rage and shitty driving in Denver is turning me to the dark side.  Hmmmm....... Yeah, sadly if I were a Sith Lord, I'd probably be a lot like Jar Jar.   Terrifying, eh?  ***** I've been a little bit weirded out for the past few months.  The past three weeks have been a tad bit comically disturbing.   It started with strange feedback from my boss.  (Sorry....had an emergency and had to log out....I guess it's time that I fin...

While looking into the brown eyes of an adorable guy flirting with me at a pharmacy in a mountain town last night, I finally figured out the lesson in the bizarre dreams of an ex.  It took a while for me to get there, though.  During the last Mercury Retrograde, I had decided to change one thing about me each week to make myself available to date.  My plan was to stop wearing fake wedding rings.  I wanted to wait until I got my 5 carat. white gold white sapphire ring from Germany so I could wear it before giving up the habit I developed in 2006.  The ring never arrived.   I blame COVID and the grip it has on the postal service.  Today I wore a gaudy huge pink opal set in silver.  That habit doesn't stop the flirting.  I like the jewelry so...... not sure I'm gonna give that up quite yet.  ***** After another creepy dream, I awoke and wondered what I'm doing differently now than I did in the days before I met the star of the dreams....

I'd say I burned all the things I have but I can't do that because in my religion, burning somethign with another person's energy is a cruel lust spell.  I either returned it, donated it or buried it under a tree.  It sucks to be a spiritual nutcase.    Today I am thankful for an old saying.   It's just a shame that I can't remember it.  I'll just paraphrase.  It's been said that the divine will present you with the same experiences over and over until you learn the lesson.  I obviously haven't learned a darn thing because  the dreams are still there.  I can use hypnosis to mess with what I remember.  It may offend a certain person to say that I remember dreaming of him as a stubborn goat.  Well, maybe not.... he kinda looked like Pan.  Maybe it's not an insult.  It could be kinda hot in a twisted Pagan sort of way.  Maybe?  Damn..... It's Mercury Retrograde.  I've decided to drink a shot of vodka ...

  Today I am thankful for shopping.   So -  I'm still having creepy dreams.  Luckily, in the recent dreams he's just watching.  I'm doing boring stuff like cleaning and  trying to bury watches (getting rid of the past).  But -  It's creepy.  I decided to do some online shopping.  I bought too much -  seven gaudy sterling silver rings,  ten gaudy sterling silver necklaces,  eight earrings (one diamond),  one blue sunburst Ibanez acoustic-electric performance guitar (hope it sounds better than the basses),  a couple of gig bags,  a flash epilator,  a trench coat,  some matching underwear sets (don't know why - it's not like anyone will see them - well, with the way I drive, paramedics will probably see them),  some hot ginger body cream (because I have a delusion it'll help me lose weight).  I shouldn't have bought that last item... The dreams are back.... I've lost three more pounds t...