Today I am thankful for insight.
Parents - teach your children how to behave like human beings without being violent jerks to others. If you don't do that, your kids will get the lesson from other people in less pleasant ways.
Cops - do your job or it'll be done by other people.
*****
I spent the day cleaning up after a spell that went crazy.
I repainted my bathroom and scrubbed layer upon layer of soot off the tile. There wasn't enough time to repaint the doors or the edging. I'll do that next week.
There is a huge hole behind the mirror in the bathroom that wasn't there before. I guess the contractors did that.
Some of the tile wasn't caulked either.
It looks like I'll get to learn how to repair drywall and tile.
*****
I'm not in the best of moods.
I'm having nightmares of finding my daughter shot to death by the asshat that the cops peg as the victim of domestic violence.
The nightmares are so graphic, I'm vomiting.
She texted her older sister once but won't call.
I'd bet a thousand dollars he's back at her house and has her phone and is the one responding.
That doesn't help me believe that she is safe.
*****
In addition to the curse, I cast three protection spells
one for my daughter,
one for my granddaughter
and one for a little boy I've never met. I don't have the heart to tell his mother why I'm worried. Let's just say that it is due to another asshat abuser. The little boy is saying things that five year old kids don't understand. I bet he's parroting his abusive dad and I'm shocked a social worker hasn't picked up on it yet. At the age of five, kids do not understand that death is permanent. Someone is threatening to kill himself in front of the child. Some where the child is getting the sense that he would be better off dead. I hear this stuff all the time from young children of alcoholics. If I pay attention, I'll learn the origin of it all when I hear the parent say these things to the child.
I'm always casting protection spells.
It's a constant with me.
Curses, not so much.
If this asshat so much as hits another woman, he's toast. The weird thing is that I prepped three candles for the spell but only lit one. The fire spread and burned down those other candles, too. Divinity must have it out for this jerk.
The curse has 30 days to work itself out.
******
My childhood abuser died last Monday.
Her name was Judy.
I never cursed her. I never had to curse her.
She was traumatized. Her first husband abused her horribly.
When she was nineteen, she had a cavity.
Her husband took her to the dentist and demanded that the dentist pull out all of her teeth!
The fuckin' dentist complied.
I will never know why her back was crooked, why her nose was crooked and why she freaked out at the drop of a hat.
There was no reason to make her retell her story.
I think I know why dinner was always at 5:00pm and why the house looked like a show home.
It is obvious she was horribly abused at some point in her life and acted in accordance to that way of life.
My uncle rescued her from that world when I was sixteen years old.
In return, she ridiculed me mercilessly, stole my money and threw me out of the house.
My favorite memory of her abuse was
introducing herself to my friend Tom as "Judy, not [my] mother" as "[her] daughters are beautiful."
Tom, in total INTJ fashion replied something to the effect of
"Thank goodness! [Siegfred] I was going to break up with you because I thought she was your mom and I didn't want to wake up with that in 40 years!"
I distanced myself from Judy for years.
After about a decade, she met my husband. She made it well known that she was disappointed. She literally thought I married Tom. Of course, this offended my husband. Between his family and mine, he probably felt like he was living in my old friend's shadow.
Of course, I had to tell her that gossip that I heard from Mike's family. There was a story that he wore a dress to school and may have been interested in guys.
I simply told her that I think I scared Tom into pitching for the other team.
She was disgusted with me.
Of course, my family didn't understand my excitement when my in-laws reported that my old friend married a girl. I was relieved that I didn't condemn a Christian guy to hell because I'm...well...scary.
Now, knowing that my in-laws were stalkers, I'm kinda freaked out that they knew.
Oh well - hindsight is weird.
Getting back to the subject.
******
I think Judy tried to be nice to me after that. My life wasn't the perfect picture book she envisioned it to be. I think she took pity on me.
When she realized I was in a controlling relationship, oh my gosh, she pushed me to get out of it.
I managed to get away.
I'd run into Judy around Arvada. She'd tell me about her health. She couldn't keep weight on her for anything. She wasted away.
The last time I saw her was at a funeral for my activist cousin who died due to skin cancer. He was the only good looking and intelligent member of the family. Yes, he was adopted.
It's hard when good people die.
When bullies die,
It's still sad.
It's sad how women suffer at the hands of men and that negative energy can impact the way they relate to others for a lifetime.
Who would Judy have been if that man hadn't beat her up when she was in the prime of life?
*****
I've tried to overcome my past. Maybe I can't.
It's bizarre. My daughter's boyfriend claims to be Lutheran.
Why is it that Christian guys think it's okay to beat the shit out of their girlfriends and wives?
I literally prayed to Jesus asking that question that night.
Why is that okay?
He can't be my only savior so long as he allows that shit to continue in his name.
******
I had a guy flirt with me at the store today.
He went all out.
I've met him before.
He got my phone number from someone else.
I was saved from the conversation by an urgent phone call from my mentor.
I'm too afraid to date.
I had the thought that I have not belonged to any man over the past six years. I've been divorced and not dated a soul during that time. This is the first time in my life I do not belong to a man - not a father, foster dad, boyfriend or husband.
I own myself.
My life is finally getting to where I'm reaching the goals I had when I married Michael.
I'm finally experiencing synchronicity.
This is an experience I needed.
Maybe my fear of attracting another asshat is helping me on some deep level.
*****
I took a venlafaxine a few minutes ago.
I got an RX for hot flashes months ago and never took it.
It's an anxiety pill. I'm pretty sure the vomiting is due to anxiety.
I'm literally freaking out. I taught my daughters to put up with asshats. My eldest daughter is paying the price for the patience I showed the abusive asshats in my life.
I should have kicked people to the curb earlier.
Children learn what they live.
Even my gay kid had an abusive relationship. She went to therapy and learned how to get rid of people who exhibit red flags early on.
Let's hope my eldest does the same thing.
I'll never understand why society turns a blind eye to domestic violence. Why do the courts ignore it? Why do cops ignore it? Why does domestic violence (and rape and stalking) get supported by cops and DAs and judges? Why are abusers allowed to continue? Why are victims blamed?
Why are women second class citizens?
Of course, I've known a couple of guys beat up by women. Do they go through the same thing? Do male rape victims get ignored, too?
What in the hell can I do about it without burning down my house in a fit of rage?
So much to ponder.
Love ya,
S.