Today I am thankful for old advice....
and new insight.
I was an orphan. My parents didn't give a crap about me. My relatives really didn't care either.
I grew up in freedom.
I did what I wanted to do.
My teenage daughter tried to explain to me why teenagers rebel against authority figures - to get attention.
It's hard to rebel against me.
I believe in freedom.
I don't believe in authority figures outside of the Great Spirit.
We spoke about piercings. Apparently this is how teenagers rebel against their parents.
I told her that piercings are tribal in nature; we get piercings to show who we hang with.
It's okay to get piercings. It's not my place to tell her what to look like. She's a legal adult.
I have no right to criticize or complain.
She said I didn't understand.
Teenagers need to rebel to have conversations that they are afraid to start otherwise.
She posited that I did not understand the concept of rebellion because I never had the experience of rebelling against anyone or anything.
I'm not so sure about that. I seem to do a lot of arguing against people who think they have authority over everyone else.
Anyway, my daughter then went on to say that she doesn't understand the dynamics of my home and urged me to do something. It's difficult for her to be at my house.
I don't know what to do either except wait for a court date.
Her perspective is interesting.
I'm not so sure that she's accurate.
My adventure into music was rebellion against my artistic parents. They liked the visual arts. They critiqued anything I drew.
I became a musician. I started with classical training.
I rebelled by joining a rock band (we really sucked, by the way).
My adventure into a half decent country band was my rebellion against a rock musician who gave me what would turn out to be spectacular advice; he said that if you want to sound good you have to act like you're fucking whatever instrument you're playing.
I decided that I was too reserved for that.
That was a mistake. My art lacked depth.
In my mind, one doesn't fuck expensive equipment - you make love to it - you make art with it.
I find this weighing on my mind.
I think of Ron every spring. He died in the spring of '91 of a drug overdose.
That's the problem of the Dionysus archetype - you can easily get drawn into addiction.
I love Dionysus. The God of Sex, Lust, Music and art.....I just have blood sugar issues and can't drink without getting sick.
I'm not sure if that would be a path to take before I get much older. Should I go a different direction?
I'm not sure what I want now.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm terrified to go back out in the public eye.
The stalking always picks up when I am in the public eye.
Last week, I was asked to take on a project.
I will probably leave it alone.....
unless I change my name....
again.
I wish I could do something about the stalking.
I don't think the legal system takes it seriously enough to do anything.
The only option I have left is too pack heat, move and consider changing my name to hide again.
Maybe....
I'm not so sure that will help at all.
How many red-headed, politically active, libertarian leaning, hypnotist, bass players who lust after saxophones are out there?
I can name one male who would fit the above description. He's in England. We used to talk on Skype before the stalking turned cyber.
I guess the key to my survival might be to take up new hobbies, too.
Maybe I need to worship Aries a tad bit more. I'll go buy some red candles, steak and Fireball Whiskey. I guess I know what I'll be doing Tuesday night.
I am really feeling worn out enough just to walk always from my house. If Michael won't leave, maybe it's his strategy to get what he didn't get to take during the divorce settlement.
I hope something happens soon before I lose what is left of my mind.
Maybe my lesson from Ron should be this - don't be afraid to f*ck.
If people are f*cking around with you, perhaps it's okay to screw them over just to get them away from you so you can get on with your life.
If Mike had told the truth and helped me solve the stalking, he'd still be with me.
He had to lie, steal, scheme and manipulate. I'm tired.
I really am.
Love ya,
S.