Today I am thankful for ...
Well, I'm not sure yet.
It's Friday but I'm in school so there is no such thing as a weekend.
I think I'm suffering from a broken heart -
or I'm gonna have a heart attack.
This week sucked.
It started on my birthday. I took the day off of work to clean up the house because workplace birthdays are AWKWARD.
They'll ask how old I am -and- I'll relate the memory of dirt being created.
Not fun...
So I decided to stay home and clean.
Much of the mess belonged to one of my adult daughters.
It was irritating. When she got home, I wanted to buy dinner for everyone. We discussed Chinese Food as a birthday dinner. No one wanted to go to a restaurant so I offered to take everyone's orders and drive to pick it up.
No one...not one of the three kids living here wanted to tell me what they wanted or help me pick it up.
My feelings were hurt. It was my birthday but it was the same old thing. I was to do everything, even manage to bring dinner home on my own.
I became upset and frustrated. Left to my own devices, I started to think about the time just a few months ago when the messy kiddo told everyone my ankle wasn't broken so they refused to help around the house and let me languish on the garage floor for several hours until I could crawl up the step and into the house. I remembered some of the other bullshit she pulled,, lying to me about being in college so she could live here rent-free, constantly bitching that I didn't throw out her dad sooner, and claiming that I'm lying about being stalked. I'm also to blame because she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and she claims her sisters each have one, too.
I basically told the adult kids that if they didn't want to be part of the family, they could move out. None of them are paying rent or really helping with chores.
So - maybe it had to happen.
You know what? One of them moved out and took the cat that night.
She left a mess for me.
Now, I have to clean out her room. There are a lot of scummy dishes all over the place. It is a pigstye.
I also have to hire an electrician to fix the mess she made of the electrical. Apparently, she jerry-rigged a light fixture on the ceiling...
I still have to hire a plumber to fix the mess left in the kitchen as the new faucet and some of the pipes the contractors replaced broke. My daughter wanted to sue them - but- it's probably easier to just fix it.
Maybe I should post a picture of the 2' hole they left in my upstairs bathroom. They leaned a mirror up against it to hide the hole from the inspectors.
Ugh -
sigh...
So now I'm taking out a home loan. The smallest loan I can get is $35,000.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do with $35,000. I only need $17,000 to fix the mess the contractors left.
I guess I'll just pay it back. There is no origination fee...so, that's good. I'll get the check and put it back.
Whatever -
It's still depressing. I get to hear about how much I suck from the other kids.
Perhaps, I'll get to downsize sooner than I realize. :)
*****
It's fall.
Things are beginning to die.
The leaves on the trees are dying.
My country is dying.
There is no such thing as free speech.
Our freedoms are being eroded.
Driving around town,
I get the sense that the politicos are trying to normalize homelessness.
Now, I am seeing a new batch of senior citizens sleeping in tents.
There are so many people now -
I'm not sure what to do.
It's wrecking my faith.
Why would Divinity let this happen?
It's not right.
*****
I'm having chest pains and taking several aspirins per day.
This is probably a psycho-somatic broken heart.
My heart is broken.
My country is broken.
My family is broken (but I do need to get the adult cowpokes to mosey on out of here because I'm too busy to clean up after them - the house looks a lot better now)...
This must be what depression feels like.
The only solution I can think of is to stop listening to Country Music because it is souring my mood.
On the bright side,
I can let go of the guilt of working a second job. The kids don't want me at home, so I can do my thing without the guilt of leaving kids at home. After my ex-husband ripped me off, I need to save for my retirement.
If that can be done, given the state of the economy. Banks are making it harder to get credit. This isn't going to bode well for small business owners - you know, the people who offer the bulk of the jobs in the nation.
My daughters complain that I have a well-stocked pantry. I grew up in the Mormon faith where I was taught to have one year's worth of food on hand.
That's what I do.
Maybe I won't have to hear about that anymore either. My kids made fun of me for that (but we made it through the Covid shortages pretty well last year). Have you seen the shelves at the supermarket lately? I'm glad I'm stocked up.
I didn't realize how much my feelings were hurt at home until I had a moment's peace to reflect. It's nice not worrying that someone is going to complain because I brought a plant home.
Yeah, that was a problem, too. Now, I can go back to hydroponics in the basement now without getting bitched at.
There was a lot of bitching.
There is a lot less of it now.
*****
Maybe I am thankful for lessons.
There is a lesson in the madness -
Please grasp the little moments of joy that you can. Those little moments are what life is all about.
Love you,
S.